Yesterday, on  an ordinary crisp autumn day, twelve Cornellian’s witnessed
a miracle. That miracle being Cornell’s first football win in over  seventy two consecutive years. 

 In their premier homecoming game, Cornell’s team reigned victorious over 
Bucknell in a 24-13 win. 

Coach Kent Austin was both  ” ecstatic” and “humbled” by the
astonishing win. 

Unfortunately, with about 97 percent of the bleachers empty,
attendance was weak.  The twelve
attendees, all of whom  were visting for the class of ’63 reunion, had a
wonderful time.  

Thousands of Cornelian’s who missed the game regrettably didn’t even know Cornell had a
football team.  The phrase “Wait,
what football team” could be heard echoing across Ithaca’s bars for the majority of the evening.

While several students denied interviews with CB citing a lack of knowledge for football, sports, and fun in general, Senior Zach Slorman recounted his
experience at the homecoming game last year.

 Zach stated “I went to the game
last year and honestly, a bunch of arsenic injected toddlers could play better
football then Cornell’s team.” 

President Skorton was however “quite pleased” with the teams performance. Skorton recalled “having a wonderful time at the
game” and was swept by a wave of “school spirit”. 

When the president was
reminded that he never attended the game the Skorton defended his actions
claiming he was “too busy macking on some thetas at the pre-game.”