Upon
checking his course grades on student center, freshman Phineas Plottman
expressed tempered joy and mild exuberance over the fact that his semester
spent not fornicating with members of the opposite sex, culminated in a 4.0
GPA.
“Oh
my gosh, this feeling is so amazing,” said Plottman meekly, “definitely more
satisfying than repeatedly thrusting my genitals into a female’s vagina could
ever be. I mean, you can like get syphilis from doing that, and it’s not like
you can put ‘pussies snatched’ on your resume. Am I right?”
“Phineas
never really left his room that much,” commented roommate Connor Smith who
managed to put together a not-too-shabby 3.6. “But that kid masturbated like it
was his major.”
“I’ve
made so many great memories this semester,” mused Phineas, “like that time
where I studied for my calc prelim 2 weeks in advance while my roommate banged
his girlfriend on the top bunk, or that time where I rewrote my 7th draft
of my freshman writing seminar essay while my hallmates had an orgy.”
“Gosh,
college really is the best four years of your life,” remarked Plottman, whilst
fighting back tears.
When
asked if he thought he was really getting the full college experience, a
bashful Phineas replied, “Oh, of course! My parents aren’t paying $50,000 for
me to go gallivanting around, penetrating lady holes with my penis. That would
be a total waste. I can’t wait until they hear about my 4.0 GPA!”
“Damn
it! My son is a pussy!” exclaimed Phineas’s dad when he heard about his son’s
4.0 GPA, “I bet he didn’t get his dick wet once this semester! I can’t believe
I’m paying $50,000 on him, and he hasn’t even seen one pair of titties! Not
even a single titty! I’ve raised a failure of a son.”
