Cornell Freshmen, have you ever gotten stuck outside a frat party while the brother at the door attempts to shoe you away, claiming “Bro the frat’s beyond full”? Do you get even more frustrated when he then lets in that group of seven guys and two girls who are sixes at best right next to you?
A growing number of freshmen are reportedly gaining entry into frat parties by telling the brother at the door that a mysterious character named Dave sent them.
“It doesn’t matter if the frat is Sigma Phi, Psi U, TEP, or what have you,” remarked thirsty freshmen Kent Gonzalez. “So long as an open-house party is going on, just say ‘Dave sent me’ to the brother at the door. Nine out of ten times they’ll step aside and tell you to come in.”
Gonzalez is correct in saying that most frats on campus seem to hold some universally deep reverence for this mysterious Dave. Local Lambda Kappa Delta door guard, Elias Brown, has told us, “Man I was like there’s no way these five dudes are coming into this party. They have no girls and they’re probably freshmen. But then one of them said Dave invited them, so I figured it was cool.”
The details of Dave’s identity remain elusive – no one even knows his last name. However, he appears to have the backs of a majority of party-going freshmen around the campus. He is especially helpful to them given the recent frat party bans on freshmen by the Cornell Administration.
Cornell University President David Skorton, known for struggling to put a stop to underage drinking on campus, has recently become aware of the existence of Dave and is attempting to pursue Judicial Action against him. “We’re doing all that we can to find Dave and bring him to justice,” President Skorton announced. “But there’s so many Daves on campus, it’s almost impossible to find out which Dave is inviting all of these freshmen to frat parties. Seriously, I think that every frat on campus has at least one member named Dave.”
In an unrelated statement, thirsty freshmen Kent Gonzalez says: “Sometimes saying ‘Dave sent me’ doesn’t work. If that happens, just hang out in front until the brother gets frustrated and begrudgingly lets you in.”