For anyone living under a rock during the last 24 hours, this just in: Syracuse has decided to forgo its elite Big East status and make the transition into the dredges ACC (I speak sarcastically, of course, but I’m enraged so it’s allowed).

Why Syracuse decided to leave was a mystery to many. That is, until everyone heard the real story from Syracuse officials on the Syracuse University main page. According to every single person interviewed, Syracuse decided to flee the Big East for the ACC because: they’re smart. Oh, and I guess they have good sports teams.

Can you sense my joy?

Nancy Cantor claimed that SU left because of the “outstanding academic quality and athletic excellence” the ACC could provide. Richard Thompson (chairman) said SU left because the ACC “provide[s] excellent opportunities” and that SU would be joining “a stellar group of high-quality, academically strong national universities,” then adding, “who also have outstanding, top-rated athletic programs.”
I have two questions:

1) When the hell am I going to watch Scoop Jardine look into a microscope better than some clown on Georgetown? I’m not. Nor would I pay to do so if the opportunity were to arise. I don’t like the Big East because there are some “academically strong” universities. Hell, I don’t care if two teams’ combined IQ equals that of a platypus. As long as it’s a platypus that can dunk.

2) What are these academic opportunities that derive from Syracuse joining the ACC? Are there spelling bees being held that I’m not aware of? Do they hold MENSA meetings? Is there a calculator club? Call me naïve, but I’m not aware of any events going on between universities regarding academics. And yes, I’m aware that universities do research and sometimes it’s shared. But does that make up for the fact that I won’t get to scream “U CONN!” and hear someone reply “YOU SUCK!”?

No. It does not.

So while I look forward to watching Syracuse wipe the smirks off of Duke players’ faces in the coming years, I will miss the days of the Big East, of rushing the court after a big win over Georgetown, of laughing in UConn players’ faces as we outlast them in six overtime periods.
But I’ll always remain hopeful of one thing: if we’re lucky, some day soon, these co-university researchers will find me a platypus that can dunk.