No Pell Grants, few scholarships, and limited loan activity. Campusbasement has already presented you with the 5 steps to getting financial aid but despite those steps, recent budget cuts are costing students their body parts to pay for school.

 “I don’t know how I am going to pay for school anymore,” says USC junior Clyde McVale. “How much can I get for donating sperm? Like, a lot?”

“I’m looking up the retail value of crack cocaine. I figure if I can get at least a few buyers, I should be able to drug deal my way through state tuition”¦I think,” says Buffalo U. sophomore Cristina Nadena. “Crack is still popular, right? Shit, I don’t even know what kind of drug to deal these days!”

“I saw an ad to sell my eggs on Craigslist for several grand ““ that’s safe, right?” Says Cornell freshman Lyndsay Brighton.

“We’re deeply concerned by the methods students are choosing to use to pay for college,” says Syracuse University Chancellor Nancy Cantor. “That being said, I don’t plan on offering any extraneous financial aid to these punks so go ahead and deal drugs ““ but crack is pretty 1990s, so you should probably aim for meth these days.”