Memorial services will be held this upcoming week for SU student, Laurel Matowski. Laurel was studying for his Anthropology exam this upcoming week when he decided he was hungry and needed a snack. Allegedly, Laurel walked into the Kimmel Food Court and 2 a.m. and was met with widespread panic. “YOU NEED TO GET OUT!” students, who could immediately smell his sobriety, screamed at him.

Laurel did not heed these warnings and proceeded to enter the taco bell line. “I was staring at him, and begging him to leave. We all know what happens when you try to defy physics. You just can’t mess with the natural order of things. The poor kid had to learn that the hard way.” 
After being asked repeatedly to leave, Laurel decided to not only purchase a taco, but to stay in Kimmel and eat it there as well. “That was when we knew we had a lost cause on our hands.” employee April Jones said. “It might as well have been ruled a suicide.” One bite into his taco, Laurel spontaneously combusted in the food court, to the horror of Kimmel’s less sober patrons. 
Some have questioned how Kimmel Food Court’s employees don’t explode when they are present during late night hours. “Just because you think we’re sober, doesn’t mean we are. Do I look like I want to explode?” Let this be a warning to all students. Going to Kimmel after midnight on a weekend sober? Just say no.