Ok, don’t panic. It’s not a big deal. Just Valentine’s Day. V-Day. Vagina starts with a v, and those things are awesome. Well, usually. Once a month, they”¦ No, never mind. They’re awesome. This is awesome. It’s an awesome day.

Shit, no it’s not. I hate this day. Maybe I can buy her a Mayan calendar so that it’s not Valentine’s Day anymore. That way the fact that I got her a Mayan calendar would just be a random nice gesture instead of a Valentine’s Day massacre of epic proportions.

No, it’s still a fuck-up. Fuck. Why couldn’t the Mayans have said 2011 would be the end of the world? That would make this so much simpler. Stupid Mayans.

Stop blaming the Mayans! This is your fault! Think, dammit! What do girls like? Flowers? Ugh, too cliché. Candy? No, then she’ll accuse me of trying to make her fat. Damn you, St. Valentine, why couldn’t you have been someone cool like St. Sebastian or something. He died twice! What the hell did you do other than ruin the bank accounts of men for all of February?

Take it easy, take it easy. Let’s not go cursing saints, that can’t be good for karma. Maybe a necklace? How much do those cost? Can’t be more than $20 right? Googling…This one’s kinda nice… SWEET TWEETING JESUS, THAT CANNOT BE THE PRICE!!! I could buy like eight Xboxes with that!

Maybe I could get her just one Xbox and explain how it was a much more logical gift. And I’d have leftover money to even buy Call of Duty. Now we’re thinking”¦

Goddamit, you idiot. You can’t buy a girl Call of Duty! Now focus! Focus!!! No chocolates, no flowers, no jewelry. No XBox. Can I give her money? Shit, I don’t have any money. Let’s check the funds”¦Wait, that number can’t be right”¦Is my bank stealing from me? How is this possible?! What do you mean it costs $2 to check my balance online?! THAT’S HALF MY MONEY!!! HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO BUY THIS GIRL A GIFT WHEN I HAVE TWO DOLLARS?! Ok, time for Plan B. Where is my phone…

Me: Hi, Sara? We need to talk.
Sara: Who is this?
Me: It’s Tim.
Sara: Who the hell is Tim?
Me: You don’t remember me?
Sara: No”¦ Should I?
Me: Um”¦ no. Bye!

Crisis averted.