Bubble tea from Unique Tea House
At this point, ordering bubble tea from CampusFood.com says
that you’ve gotten past the initial texture freak-out and have moved onto the
common yet unhealthy phase of obsession. You’ve scheduled group meetings and
first dates at Unique Tea House as any excuse to feed your addiction. At this
point, having anyone ask you “Have you tried bubble tea before?” is equivalent
to “OMG, do u know who Obama is????”
Sushi from Bleu Monkey Café
Your sixteenth bag of ramen this semester just isn’t cutting it
for you anymore, huh? Time to go high-class Asian, right? You like to brag
about your exotic palate, your affection for the little-known Asian treasure
that is the California Roll. Want to try unagi (that’s eel, for you uncultured swine)? God, no! You’ll have something unusual
and exciting like the Jason or Lindsay Roll instead, won’t you? Besides, sushi
is healthy for you, isn’t it? So feel free to eat and purge away, you dumb
whore.
Mexican food from Alto Cinco
You could really go for some authentic Mexican food right now.
The thing is, you’ve probably never even had authentic Mexican food. You like
to scoff at Chipotle as “Americanized Mexican food” while you silently jerk off
to Taco Bell on your drunkest nights, don’t you? It’s okay ““ we’ll excuse you
for this indecency; until you’ve come down to southern California or Texas, we’ll
let you live out your lie.
Cookies from Insomnia Cookies
So you’re not going out tonight? No need to ask how we know;
just let your ungodly order of five snickerdoodles, eight peanut butter, six double
chocolate chunk and two M&M cookies do the talking for you. You can try and
pretend like you’re ordering for you and a couple friends, but we know better. So
if you want to spike your milk to drown out the sadness, we won’t tell.
Anything from Cosmos Pizza and Grill
You and your buds are stoned out of your minds and can’t agree
on one thing to order. Feel free to thank the asshole that can’t stop saying, “I
just want eggs” without laughing.
Belgian fries from Sliders Burgers & Belgian Fries
Let’s be real, you ain’t here for no fries. You just want that
fry sauce. You want to drink that sauce. You want to bathe in that sauce. You’ll
fucking marry the sauce if you could. You might also be a little stoned, but
you still want that sauce.
Pita from Pita El Saha
You’re broke, aren’t you? You have no money to your name,
except for that tiny envelope in your desk with exactly $7.02 in dimes and
nickels ““ just enough for some cheap meat in a pocket. Factor in the free
cookie that they’ve been giving out with their deliveries and you’ve got
yourself the best meal you’ve had in days.
Pita from The Pita Pit
So you think that this is healthier and safer to eat than Pita
El Saha? Fine then. Forget about authenticity, you chain-loving hag.
Sandwiches from Jimmy John’s
This isn’t even on CampusFood.com, so just order a fucking
pita. The oil’s good for your skin.
