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College students, behold, one of the best creations our society has bestowed upon us: New Years Eve.
Alas,
the day in which we ring in the new year and celebrate all its
blessings. Let us giveth thanks unto our respective lords for the bounty
amongst us and revel in the privilege of having access to one of the
greatest treasures of modern civilization:
Holiday-induced alcoholism.
A
day to war with one’s liver. An opportunity to destroy brain cells in
the name of hard liquor and Jell-O shots. A chance to make ill-advised
decisions and embrace presumably regrettable behavior with people that,
prior to this day, you have not initiated sexual encounters with.
But
alcohol isn’t the sole treat this marvelous night bestows us for many a
person celebrate the fine day many a different way. Let our Syracuse
staff, whose expertise extends nowhere near psychology, take this
opportunity to psychoanalyze your individual celebratory regime.
1. Being a dancer on Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve
- You
are a character from the TV show “Friends’ or you consumed some sort of
hallucinogen several hours prior and are just on one hell of a
psychedelic trip. We’re staying tuned if it’s the latter – acid
statistically provides better entertainment than sitcoms.
2. Drinking in your friend’s mom’s basement
- You’re in high school or a college freshman. Don’t forget to hide the beer cans if her dad comes downstairs!
3. Going to Times Square
- You
are clearly not from NYC and do not know what a crowded hellhole Times
Square is on New Year’s Eve. Seriously. Save yourselves. Listening live
to 2 minutes of that one Hot Chelle Rae song you kind of like is not
worth it.
4. Sitting home with your mom.
- You
have work on New Years, are Italian, or may possibly be slightly
socially awkward. And while we’re on the topic, why do you still live
with your mom?
5. College friend’s party in their hometown
- You
get to see your freshman roommates’ parents drunk and their high school
friends randomly burst into tears. But no matter! You don’t know any of
these people and can enjoy the entertainment of their poor choices
whilst you raid the liquor cabinets for future whisky needs. You
voyeuristically enjoy others’ transgressions. Meaning, you’re kind of a
dickbag.
6. You travel somewhere exotic:
- Seriously?
This isn’t spring break. It’s January, one of the shittier months of
the year, so let’s just grit our teeth, grab a hold of something, and
get through it together. Unless you think you’re better than that, which
would explain your capacity to afford someplace exotic while affording
college, ya wealthy jerk.
7. Nothing:
- Treating
the day like it’s nothing new, nothing exciting, and clearly not worth
celebrating. There will be a time to treat New Years Eve like this – in
our 80s. Now is not the time. Grab a drink, grab a friend, and make
merry with the precursor to National Hangover Day…that is, if you have
friends….which might explain your decision to do nothing on this
delightful occasion.
