So, upperclassmen. As
our first week of class this semester comes to an end, you can start to
appreciate the freedoms of living off-campus: no RAs, no mandated fire
safety codes, no needed shower flip-flops, and no dining hall food.
Wait, no dining hall food?
….
For those of you who have awaited the moment where you could you have
your own kitchen to cook your extravagant and gourmet meals, fuck you
too. The rest of us are screwed as we try to scrounge for something
beyond cereal or instant/frozen/pre-packaged dinners
for meals.
And sure, there will be nights where we will miraculously prepare
something worth noting like the complicated meal of spaghetti but for
all the other nights, may we present you:
Steps on “borrowing” food from Ernie Davis
1) Come prepared with genuine Tupperware. Don’t fall for those scrap
pieces of plastic the dining hall tries to pass off. Walk in with a
large bag filled with Rubbermaid containers.
2) Get past the food services employees waiting to swipe your ID. You could try the diversion route….
a) Diversion route: Bribe friend to sprint into the dining hall to
distract the workers while you saunter in, get a meal, and pack those
Tupperware containers full of chicken nuggets for later use.
Or you could use what I like to refer to as the more badass of methods:
You buy suspension wires and harness a la` Tom Cruise to inconspicuously
attach to the ceiling of the Ernie Davis gym and then conveniently
propel downward into the cafeteria while no one
notices. Passersby will just think it’s some weird exercise equipment
you are using.
3) Steal as much food as humanly possible – you don’t know when you will
be coming back. Pay particular attention to those wrapped crackers and
other easily attainable snack foods. Leave no food station
unburglarized.
PS) Dress for the part. Trust me when I say that while you want to steal
food on a day that’s 97,000 degrees, skip the summer clothes and be
sure to wear something cargo-y and maybe even bring a jacket of some
kind. Swiping out a few slices of pizza in a mini
skirt and tank top is a lot easier than it sounds.
