On Friday, Mayfest was in full swing. But it wasn’t all Pythagorean theorems and hypotenuses like Mayor Miner wanted. Euclid was hopping.

And so, in an effort to prevent fun of any kind from happening, SPD decided to hit a cyclist.

Around 10 AM, Officer Doofy of the Syracuse Police Department was driving along, searching for missing stop signs and underage drinking, carelessly bypassing an abundance of armed robberies and manslaughter, when he drove straight into someone riding his bicycle.

“The kid came out of no where,” said Officer Doofy, “I was just driving along, and then I looked down to radio in to my boss that I saw a kid who had a cup in his hand that might have been beer but might not have been and he might have been 21 but he might not have been, though he could have been older. Underage drinking is a huge crime. Way more important than armed robbery. Anyway, I looked down to radio that in, and I guess I hit the kid. I don’t know, I didn’t have time to find out, I had to go investigate the underage drinking that may or may not have been happening.”

Brilliant police work, as usual.

One student, who wished to remain anonymous (but who may or may not be me) had this to say about the events: “I’m not a mathematician, but I’m pretty sure this equation is correct. (Or at least, it is in my opinion.)

Amount of injuries during last year’s Mayfest on Euclid: Zero.

Amount of injuries under Mayor Miner’s regime of Lamefest: One.”

Your move, Mayor.

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