Marshall St. forced to close off road, turn pedestrians away as class skipping students flocked to the famed block.

As more and more students ignored their class schedules in lieu of
pizza, bubble tea, and Slider’s Belgian fries, Marshall Street swarmed
said slackers. The popular eateries and cafes could not contain the
masses of students demanding the lattes and burgers
for which they were skipping some very pretentious sounding philosophy

(Seriously? Theories of Knowledge 107? Who are these assholes kidding.)

“You think you’ve seen Starbucks crowded…nothing compared to this. We
had to shut our doors,” says Starbucks sales employee Jane Greensleeve.

“I walked here through Walnut Park and at first I thought – my god,
they’ve turned Marshall St. into a permanent Mayfest!” Sam Smithwell,
senior Whitman student says. Smithwell instead learned the truth – that not
only was the street not being used as permanent
partying ground but was already closed off by DPS to further traffic.

“I couldn’t even walk down to get a damn Jimmy Johns sandwich,”
Smithwell says. “Yknow, at first, I thought – ‘maybe I should go back to
class?’ And then I realized DPS forgot the blessings behind Marshall
St, so I just headed to Chucks….who cares if it was
only 11 in the morning.”

“I was definitely lost when I realized I couldn’t get into Unique Tea
House,” says sophomore English major Lisa Brooks, sitting on the curb of Walnut Park staring blankly at the masses.

A group of passing students muttered “amateurs” to those wandering
aimlessly. As the group walked by, it divided into those heading
downtown to Armory for lunch dates at Pastablities and those
Westcott-bound for midday Alto Cinco trips.