Our first hazing story of the year! Hooray for fraternity hazing! Oh, wait. Not hooray…

Dear Campus Basement:

What you are about to hear is disturbing and is not approved for mature audiences. So please, if you’re mature, don’t read this.

My hazing started out simply enough, with a *** (frat letters omitted here) tradition: carving a zig-zag shape into my forehead. At least, I think it was a zig-zag shape; they made me wear these weird glasses that were not my prescription (I don’t even wear glasses!) so I couldn’t see a thing. Not that it mattered, since they made me live under the staircase for a while, where I didn’t have a mirror anyway.

After a few days, when they let me out, I was forced to consort with an owl. They made me write a letter to my uncle and then tie the letter to the owl. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to tie something to an owl, but I can tell you from experience that owls are not fans of this practice.

Needless to say, I got rabies. At least, they tell me I got rabies. I passed out. I vaguely remember the bright lights of a hospital ward and some doctor with barely any nose. I wanna say his name was Mort, but that could be the rabies talking.

I still have the rabies because the brothers in the frat broke me out of the hospital before anyone could administer any medication to me. The brothers said that to be a true wizard I’d need to heal myself. I’m not really sure what that means, but I do know that I have a very high fever, my jaw is frozen shut, and I’m hallucinating a lot.

For instance, I keep thinking that I was pledging a frat and they carved a zig-zag into my forehead. At least I think it was a zig-zag; they made me wear these weird glasses that were…

The letter is on loop like that for another 43 pages, but you get the drift. Rabies, J.K. Rowling, hallucinations, blah blah blah.