In an unbelievable turn of events this weekend, the Syracuse University basketball team has decided to take the rest of the season off. “I was like, ‘ok we’re just having a rough week, no big deal,’ but then we lost to Marquette and I was like ‘okay this isn’t getting any better.'” an anonymous former player confessed.

“We didn’t really know how to tell Coach, so we all just kind of played the ‘school card,’ you know? Like, ‘oh I have too much homework, coach. I don’t think I can make practice tonight.’ and then we just started doing that every night. Coach wasn’t even half as upset as my dad. He paid for me to go to this really expensive summer basketball camp and bought me new basketball shoes, he was all like ‘my son doesn’t quit!,’ but he didn’t seem to care when I quit karate in 4th grade, so I’m sure he’ll get over it.”
The university is attempting to ‘promote’ one of the club basketball teams to take over for the current varsity team. The university has tried to strike a deal with players to stay for another 2 weeks until replacements could be found, but almost all have declined. “I would, really, but I’m really scared he’s[coach Boeheim] going to make us run suicides and stuff. He was pretty mad.”