Walking into your 11:30 A.M class Friday afternoon, a sense of
despair slowly creeps over you. After splitting that handle of
Captain Morgan spiced rum with your room mates last night, and
discovering fresh bruises all of your body, which you have no idea
how they even got there, you begin to wonder why you’re in class, and
how you even made it there. Your teacher walks in, three minutes
late. The only way to describe this feeling as your teacher walks in
late, is to that of someone taking a Navy Seal serrated combat knife,
and digging it straight into your heart. You slap your forehead with
the palm of your hand, and slowly slide it down your face after
realizing you’re in for an hour and a half of mental torture.
After dividing up your time spent in class between dozing off,
doodling in your notebook, staring at your phone waiting for texts to
entertain you, and imagining how you will spend your lotto winnings,
you realize there is about twenty minutes of class time left. If only
class would end right now, that would allow you to beat the lunch
time rush within the pay cafe so you could be the first one on line
to buy a sandwich with mayonnaise on it from the Sub Connection, even
though you specifically asked for no mayo. However, there is hope.
If you follow this step by step guide, which implements the use of a
mob mentality, and sounds which trigger dopamine rushes to the brain,
there is a 50% chance that you could potentially end your class
anywhere from twenty, to thirty minutes earlier.
Step 1: Wait till at
least a half hour or so before class is over. For those of you who
wish to end the class earlier than this, yeah, we’ve all been there
before, and want to get the hell out of there, but holy shit you paid
for the class(mommy and daddy) you may as well try to sit there for
at least an hour or so.
Step 2: Begin turning the
pages in your notebook back and forth. This will awake those around
you from the zombie state that they are all currently in after
listening to your teacher talk about things which 90% of the time
will not be relevant in life after school.
Step 3: Start closing
your textbook, and notebook, several times, to make it seem as if
several people are joining you in doing the same. Once people in
your class have awoken from their stupor, and hear the clamor you’re
causing in the back of the room with your books, they will begin to
do the same, except that they will actually be packing their
belongings.
Step 4: At this point,
you’ve caused a chain reaction, and before you know it, a decent
amount of those around you are packing up their belongings.
Step 5: The teacher
begins to notice everyone packing their belongings, and the sounds of
books closing, and book bag zippers being zipped and unzipped has
caused the sound of his own stomach rumblings from hunger to magnify.
The teacher is human too, and most of the time, especially around
lunch time, wants to get the hell out of there.
Step 6: At this point
your teacher assumes it must be near the end of the period
considering everyone has been packing up their belongings, so he bids
the class adieu, and sends you on your way!
Of course, this isn’t
guaranteed to work 100% of the time, but it’s worth a shot. If you
have several of your friends in on your little psychological scheme,
there is a better probability of it working. And if it doesn’t work,
then hey, you just look like a complete moron in the back of a
classroom opening and closing your book, and playing with the zipper
on your bag.
