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What Goes Through The Mind of a Football Recruit
Top Ten Pop Culture Predictions of 2013
1. Kim Kardashian gives birth on live television, baby Kimye eats its way out of Kim’s uterus Twilight-style. Kris Jenner promptly sells the newborn’s life rights to E!. 2. Anne Hathaway punches Best Actress winner Jessica Chastain at the Oscars: “I SHAVED MY HEAD FOR THIS.” 3. Leonardo DiCaprio decides to move to daytime television... MORE »
Gay men everywhere speak out in support of Manti Te’o: ‘We’ve all been there.”
Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o has recently come under fire since it was discovered that his late girlfriend, Lennay Kekua, never actually existed. In spite of the allegations and subsequent media frenzy, one group has surprisingly and publicly come out in support of Te’o: the gay community. “So what, he made up his girlfriend? That... MORE »
Cool College Guy Claims He’s Really Into Sports And Having Sex With Women
Last Thursday night Freshman Doyle Matheson admitted in conversation with a member of the opposite sex that he was “really into sports.” “Ladies love guys that are really into sports,” said Matheson, “which explains why I get it in on the regs.” As evidence of his love of sports, Matheson receives ESPN updates to his... MORE »
MU Basketball Players Actually Monstars
Columbia, Missouri- Scandal and college sports, it would seem, go hand in hand. During a routine pre-season blood test, the blood work of five members of the MU men’s basketball team came back clear of all substances. As if this fact wasn’t shocking enough on its own, it was uncovered that the five, all freshmen... MORE »
MU Introduces Jersey Chasing as Newest Club Sport
Carefully checking her makeup using the selfie-mode of her iPhone 4s, Mary hides behind a trash can, lying in wait for the moment when Freshmen tight end Jack (whose name has been changed for his own personal safety) leaves his room, at which point she will pop up and accidentally bump into him, thus striking... MORE »
Study: anyone who has eaten red meat ever died or probably will soon
In recent weeks, multiple studies have been published and widely publicized about how Red Meat relates to the mortality rate of those who consume it. The study showed that eating unprocessed Red Meat raised the mortality risk by 13% and processed by 20%. However, yesterday a far more troubling study was released: the mortality rate... MORE »
A plea to the NCAA Selection Committee
Dear NCAA Selection Committee, I know on paper we might not look that impressive. I know that our out of conference schedule wasn’t as good as some of our competitors, but don’t sleep on SEMO. Regardless, I think we did pretty alright. We beat some good teams on our way to a Big XII tournament... MORE »
Student section to be switched with visiting section at Faurot Field in 2012
On Monday, Athletic Director Mike Alden announced that, due to MU’s move to the Southeastern Conference, some things had to change at Faurot Field. These changing included moving Marching Mizzou and changing the text in the end zones from “Missouri” to “Mizzou”. While most changes were relatively benign, one change carried a much bigger weight:... MORE »
The Biggest Bullshitter: Loch Ness Monster
They call me, “Cock Ness”, for a reason. I ain’t your average sea monster. I don’t swim about hunting krill or great whites. Mere child’s play. I’m too busy splitting Killer Whale’s in half with my member and snacking on Scottish fisherman when I’m bored. I once tried to eat a guy whole, but decided... MORE »
So-Called ‘Nazi Parking Meter Maid’ Recently Promoted to ‘Festungoberwerkmeister’
Like Nazis looking to persecute ‘undesirables’, the Mizzou Parking Service employees are equally eager to slap parking tickets on financially unstable students. The comparisons are uncanny, and recent eyewitness reports suggest the terminology is not too off par. Several undergraduate students walking by the office for Mizzou Parking reported hearing, “loud German” and the “clicking... MORE »
“Keep Calm and Carry On” – New Anti-Diarrhea Slogan
What was once a war-time propaganda poster in England during WWII, has now become a method of greek recruitment on Mizzou’s campus. “Keep Calm and Carry On”, in its original form, was made for the poor, sleepless citizens of London who encountered night after night of German bombings in 1941. Now it has become a... MORE »
“Safety Dance” Outlawed; Second Civil War Ends
Chaos. Bloodshed. Annihiliation. 1983–the beginning of the most violent and horrific outbreak of violence in Columbia since the Civil War. Fast forward 29 years–the day it ended. Families of the victims won’t be seen parading around Columbia. Shattered CD cases can be seen strewn all over downtown. (henceforth referred to as, “The District”). Unbeknownst to... MORE »
Kansas vs. Mizzou Drinking Game
KU vs. MU Drinking Game You couldn’t score tickets to the biggest basketball game of the year?! You worthless sack of”¦Ok, well let’s look at the bright side; you probably slept in while the rest of us woke up at horrendous hours of the morning for College Gameday. You could work out at the Rec... MORE »
Student Wins iPod Shuffle, Instead Given First-Generation Zune
Mizzou basketball games have their own mixture of a family culture, fan pride and intense competition. None more so than at halftime, where there are a plethora of fan-participation competitions. This year, a new game was introduced. A blind race””Truman collects the contestants’ shoes, the players face the student section, and Truman scatters shoes around... MORE »
Top 5 YouTube Porn Parody Videos
It may not be the most epic list of XXX parodies, but per YouTube’s standards, these are the best of the best. You’ll see classic cartoon characters, a superhero and a pudding-pop loving icon re-made into the dirty alter ego you always wanted to see. We here at Mizzou don’t condone viewing of pornographic material... MORE »
Ron Paul Watches V for Vendetta, Seeks to Abolish Executive Branch
When a major politician seeks the legalization of marijuana, it speaks volumes to the millions of advocates nationwide. Millions more jump on board when a presidential nominee promises to eliminate all military engagements brought about in the last decade. For Ron Paul, this appeal to the masses has proven successful in the Iowa and New... MORE »
Stuff Your Sins In a Cup
Feeling guilty about defacing campus property during your night of binge drinking? Concerned someone may find out about the fire alarm you pulled at 4 AM following another round of Keystone Light and Captain Morgan? Or are you paranoid your RA can smell the pot seeping from your room? Stuff your sins in a cup!... MORE »
Turns Out Ugg Boots and Yoga Pants DO Look Stupid Together
You know, this was almost a column dedicated to Ugg boots and yoga pants. Some sort of correlation to improper winter clothing would have been drawn, but let’s be real; that sounds fucking boring. Preaching to the choir, beating a dead horse with a stick, etc. All would be fitting cliche analogies to describe the... MORE »
Best Bushes To Piss On After Drinking
Pissing in public whilst moderately intoxicated is nothing new. The body has a high level of urgency when removing potentially excessive amounts of alcohol. Combined with the fear of public scrutiny should one’s bladder evacuate prematurely in a public forum. Results include, but are not limited to, urinating on the sides of buildings and... MORE »
MU Greek GPA’s Plummet Due to Adderall Shortage
Three things and three things alone dictate the survival of the residents in greek town; sex, adderall and beer. With finals threatening to surface in a month, frequent trips to gas stations all around Columbia have become a must in order to stock up on Natural Light. Wall’s of shame have transformed into... MORE »
Poetic Ode to the D-Bag In Lecture
To the shmuck in the front row, Always questioning or conversing with the professor, And supplying more than a “yes” or “no” answer. To the wannabe professor’s pet, This, right here, is what’s called a general education course. Meaning, it does nothing more than fulfill a pointless need. To the jagoff front and left-center, No... MORE »
What The Fuck Mizzou: Stupidity and Genital Whacking
Whether our impending move to the SEC or the upcoming rapture has anything to do with several sequences of events recently incorporating stupidity and religious expression, we’ll never know. The point of the matter; this campus seems to have caught apocalyptic-street-corner-sign syndrome and a fiery case of poor judgment. “You’re Gonna Catch the Crabs!” Anyone... MORE »