Mahwah, NJ – It has been 23 days since the beginning of Autumn. This means that every beverage, piece of clothing, and homework assignment on Ramapo’s Mahwah campus has the right to be pumpkin-related. However, the investigative team here at Ramapo Basement has uncovered the scary (like Halloween H20 scary) truth behind this yearly pumpkin invasion.
These pumpkin-based amenities are strategically placed around campus as mind-control devices. Your fellow RoadRunners wearing orange or pumpkin-themed clothes are lost to the pumpkin-y cause. They are similar to zombies in that you can remove the head to save them. Only the most daring would take this route. And, if you or someone you know is in a class with an infected professor, you can combat their psychic-pumpkining by screaming over them every time they are about to say pumpkin.
An aerial view of the Mahwah campus shows that the main centers of infection are Birch, 5th floor of ASB, and The Bradley Center. On-the-ground reporters have also confirmed that Dean Chakrin is a roaming, sweet pumpkin-scented infector. Avoid his Dean stare at all costs.
Uninfected students tweeting from the Berrie Center have tried to counter the orange plague with other holidays’ smells. Unfortunately, as of this writing, Valentine’s chocolate sex syrup and gingerbread lattes do not reverse the effects. The group is looking for green beer and old champagne from January to see if those have any effect.
We Ramapo Basement writers are locked up in an undisclosed underground facility with nose plugs and Febreze spritzers going off every 30 seconds. We need to stay uninfected to bring you the most up-to-date news. Please don’t try and find us. Please.
For now, those of you with little to no access to basements or bunkers will have to try and go about your day on high alert. Remember, infection is spread through scent, psychic waves, and physical contact so abstaining form personal hygiene, investing in some nose plugs, and screaming over the work pumpkin until the raid dies down may be your best bet.
It sure does taste great though!
