Students unfortunate enough to dorm in Lawrinson this semester have much to complain about. Social life is dead, dining options suck, and room-mates are inconsiderate dicks who keep taking your shaving razor without telling you. Seriously Edgar, I know it’s you. It’s disgusting, stop it.
But the greatest grievance of all Lawrinson residents are the hyper-sensitive fire alarms lurking on the ceilings. Like the dorky asthma
tic nerd from your high school, the slightest pang of anything besides oxygen will send systems into a frenzy. Unlike “Asthma Ari,” however, Lawrinson’s fire alarms has their advantages. Also, Lawrinson is NOT in a coma.
We here at Campus Basement try to look on the brighter side of things, and so, without further adieu, here are the advantages of Lawrinson’s Fire Alarms:
1. Always Prepared for A Fire/Smoke/Singed Popcorn Bag
As students, we highly value education, and Lawrinson’s fire alarms may teach the greatest lesson of all: staying alive. The next time you see even a millimeter of smoke at 3:45 in the morning, you’ll know, shit is going DOWN. And who will drop their panties and be in debt to you forever after saving their lives from a burnt popcorn kernel? That’s right, every attractive girl you know. You can thank Lawrinson for your amateur fire-fighter training. Good luck, and godspeed, hero.
2. Appreciate the Interior of the Sadler Lobby
Like Ben Stiller’s movie “Night at the Museum,” Sadler’s lobby doesn’t truly come to life until after 1am. Fortunately for Lawrinson students, now they can be surrounded by puke-filled bathrooms, the newspaper from last week, and Freshens. Is that a face-mold of Ernie Davis? Bet you wouldn’t have noticed that if you had a full night of sleep. Sadler’s sticky, stained couches never look more inviting than when you’ve only had two hours of sleep and need to be up in four hours.
Never been to the clubs before? Who needs it!? You have everything you need right here in Lawrinson! Once that fire alarm goes off, expect flashing lights and loud, repetitive electronic sounds. Find a girl to rub your crotch on, and congratulations my friend, you have now partied in virtually every club in Bulgaria. Who says you need to go abroad to experience different cultures?
4. Neighborly Bonding
If you don’t have any friends in Lawrinson, fire alarms are the best time to make some. It’s not that difficult, the conversation is the same every time, and these fire alarms will occur so often, you’ll practically have the dialogue memorized. “Man it’s going to suck walking up all those stairs, I live on the 297th floor,” “It’s so freaking cold,” “I was sleeping when the fire alarm went off,” all the boring small talk you need to get to know your neighbor you’ll never see again. Also, avoid asking at all costs, “So, you live in Lawrinson too?” I’m socially retarded.
Nothing says “BAD ASS TRAINING REGIMENT” more than waking up at 4am, running down 60 flights of stairs with nothing but the clothes on your back, then standing in 20 degree weather for 20 minutes, and finally running back up. By the end of this semester, you’ll have become strong enough to beat all members of the Cobra Kai dojo, Ivan Drago, and the Sith Empire.