Here in Mahwah, there exists only two seasons: Summer and Winter. The long awaited “hoodie weather” never happens, and short sleeve shirts are immediately traded for super itchy sweaters that never fit just right. As Summer phases out and Autwinter begins, you’re asking yourself why you picked a school that’s literally in the mountains.Every year, you remind yourself to bring your warm clothes to school as early as possible. But do you ever? Of course not, and you’re freezing your ass off. And let’s face it, you’re way too poor to pay for an actual coat. So how will you stay warm until the cold months pass, or at least until someone gets the common sense to turn our heaters on? Students all over campus are sharing their ideas.
You chose a campus that’s covered in wildlife. Chances are, you know a thing or two about hunting and gathering! Raccoons are running rampant this time of year, and you can easily pull a few aside to make a nice fur coat. It’s easy to lure them in with anything, they’ll be happy to not have Birch garbage for a change. Raccoons are easy targets, making them a good provider of warmth and an even better way to learn about the process of death. If you’re too nervous , find a friend with a beard to do it for you. He definitely knows how to murder something in cold blood.
A commonly suggested way to combat the cold is to sit over your hot plate that you definitely don’t have due to room restrictions. You respect the campus rules, so you absolutely don’t have a toaster oven or slow cooker either. Since you don’t own these things, you can’t heat them up and allow them to spread warmth throughout your dorm. That would be so helpful, too! It’s a shame that you don’t even have any alcohol to warm you up.
Another popular method is the classic “hot chocolate bath.” All you need is at least 10 packets of that delicious powdery mix (marshmallows optional), a free bathtub, and plenty of boiling water. Side effects include 3rd degree burns. If you’re lucky enough, your injuries will need medical attention, and you’ll be brought to a heated hospital!
The final and most overused technique is to transfer to any school south of Mahwah. While you probably can’t stave off winter completely, you can at least avoid the horrible bitterness of the mountains. It’s an easy solution to a very big problem. Why didn’t you go down south in the first place? Wasn’t your original plan to go to school in Florida? Good job ending up here.