Junior anthropology major Beatrice Florsheim (a 4.5 at best) announced Tuesday to anyone within earshot of her loud, insufferable, howler-monkey-esque voice that she hates Valentine’s Day.
“I prefer to call it ‘Singles Awareness Day,” she told reporters who were too busy paying attention to attractive people, before she burst into a hearty guffaw.
Experts say that Florsheim, who is just an absolute dumpster fire, yelled “Get a room” at three different couples exchanging Valentine gifts in public today. And while in line for buckets and buckets of food at the Schine Student Center, she repeatedly stated how stupid she believed the holiday was.
“Look at all these idiots, with their love and stuff. It’s so fake, am I right?” she said to sophomore Public Relations major Jon Alexander. Alexander did not notice, as he is at least an 8.
“I don’t need a Valentine,” the vomit-inducing creature told no one in particular as she stumped down the sidewalk, “It’s just some made up societal thing. Just some excuse for girls to get chocolate and stuff. I don’t need more chocolate.”
Experts agree, the absolute last thing Beatrice Florsheim needs is “more chocolate.”