Unbeknownst to people, unbeknownst is a real word. But also unbeknownst to most people is the fact that Leap Day is a major world holiday. I learned this while watching NBC’s highly acclaimed police drama “30 Rock”. The episode, entitled “Leap Day”, taught me that nothing you do matters on this day, which comes around once every four years. 

And it’s true. I mean, come on, 366 days in a year all of a sudden? I don’t think so. That extra day is obviously meant for fiddle-sticking around.

You may be thinking, last Leap Day I was a mere child, what are some productive, fun things I can do to celebrate Leap Day as a college student?

Glad you asked:

  1. Experiment with hard drugs

If you’ve ever had even a slight curiosity about hard drugs, February 29th is your day! Cocaine, ecstasy, heroine, meth, whatever! Try it out! You won’t get addicted, because nothing counts on Leap Day! You’ll wake up the next day feeling spritely and chipper, with no urge to continue your usage. However, if you do somehow find yourself tempted to smack up on March 1st, just remember that Ramapo Basement warned against this, and will have no sympathy if you turn into a back alley cock fiend desperately searching for a thumb of meth.

2. Have unprotected sex

Finally, a day where the dreaded condom can watch you bang out/be banged out from the sidelines! On February 29th, not a single STD can penetrate you. And ladies, no matter how fertile you are, fear not, you’ll wake up pre-aborted. Ah, the magic of this holiday. Remember kids, the only acceptable condom on Leap Day is a Leap Day flavored condom, flavored with invisibility and regret.

3. Watch the movie “The Room”

Tommy Wiseau’s cult classic, “The Room”, known as the worst movie ever made, is a perfect film for Leap Day. You can experience “The Room” without the usual after effects of feeling stupid, angry, and bitter, much like how Rosa Parks felt after she made such a big fuss and then realized she didn’t even call shotgun, which leads to our next activity…

4. Be racist

Recently frustrated by someone of another race, ethnicity, culture, sex, or orientation? Let it out on Leap Day! It’s fine to show how you really feel today; you’re nervous when you see a brown man with a turban enter the train, you avoid eye contact with black men at night, you grow tired of Jews complaining about their deviated nasal septum and allergies, you hate all Asian people because of Jeremy Lin’s dominance in basketball and because the Chinese delivery guy forgot your eggroll yet expects a decent tip, and of course you’re racist against white people because they’re racist against everyone. It’s okay, we know. Just make sure to put on that fake smile and pretend like you enjoy diversity come March 1st, or you may lose a lot of friends and job opportunities.

Those four activities should keep you busy and productive on Leap Day 2012! Enjoy, and don’t do anything we wouldn’t do, which is a small list primarily consisting of murder, pedophilia, suicide, and other illegal activities.