#1 Pick TCNJ: Kim Jong Un

Kim Jong Un continued the family
tradition of inflicting human rights violations by ordering the killing of
potential defectors from North Korea. Don’t worry anti-human rights supporters;
there’ll be more where that came from. TCNJ
hopes that Un also kills it at the May graduation by not only giving good advice
but by inspiring the senior class.

#2 Pick Rowan: Ryan Braun

Successful Jewish athletes in
professional sports in America are dwindling and the recent suspension of Ryan
Braun due to performance enhancing drugs is penetrating the hearts of believers
of the Old Testament and Brewers fans alike. The upcoming Spring Convocation
will not only be good PR for Braun, who is in desperate need of an image
shapeup, but will give Rowan graduates an opportunity to hear from a man who
had it all, shot it up, and will attempt to gain it back (naturally).

#3 Pick Montclair State: Conrad
Murray

Montclair is arranging a special prison
pardon for graduation day to have Conrad Murray speak to their graduating
class. Although he had his medical license revoked, he is still likely to treat
the crowd to an entertaining afternoon. Hopefully it goes better than when he
treated MJ.

#4 Pick Richard Stockton: Laurie
Fine

Laurie’s husband Bernie allegedly
sexually abused a former Syracuse Basketball ball boy when he was 13. Laurie
was patient enough to not have intercourse with the boy until he was a senior
in high school. How admirable! She also withheld information about her husband’s
abuse of this boy for 10 years. She’ll make for a great graduation speech!

#5 Pick William Paterson: David
Duchovny

The true story of succsex. I mean
success. William Paterson hopes that popular actor David Duchovny can put aside
his sexual addiction and tell the students to work hard to flourish in life. He’s
a sleeper in this draft.

#6 Pick Ramapo College: Westboro
Baptist Church

Ramapo hopes that the folks who
have been picketing military funerals will make for an unforgettable graduation
speech. The group who goes by the slogan “God hates America” has recently
started picketing college football bowl games. Turns out they are just huge LSU
fans. Finally it’s a good thing Ramapo doesn’t have a football team.

#7 Pick Kean: Floyd Mayweather Jr.

He not only beats the shit out of
people in the ring but he also beats the shit out of his wife. Lucky for him
his 90 day prison sentence doesn’t begin until June. Just enough time for him
to prepare a good speech about how he is going to kick Manny Pacquiao’s ass
three years from now.

#8 Pick Jersey City: Cris Collinsworth
(Mr. Irrelevant)

Although Collinsworth had been
named the worst announcer ever, he still played in the NFL and attended the
University of Florida. With that said, his commencement speech will likely
suck. Sorry NJCU.