Travis Apgar, who has recently been under some heat for the
changes being enforced with regard to Greek Life, issued a statement Tuesday,
“We are, in no way, cracking down on Greek Life.”


Apgar continued, “Just because we appointed a group of
96-year-old men, whose attitudes toward college students are in no way skewed,
does not mean that we want to see Greek Life obliterated on our campus and
throughout the country.”


Many fraternity presidents have begun to sign petitions,
which Apgar assures students, “Are being taken SO seriously, like totally
seriously. We’re absolutely not using them as kindling for when all of the frat
houses are emptied and torched. Because, as I’ve stated, we are not attempting
to crush Greek life into smithereens.”


In fact, Apgar was thrilled that the student body had taken
action and felt that, “they’re definitely not wasting their time by filling out
useless petitions that we’re not going to wipe our asses with. Trust me when I
tell you that Greek life is absolutely fine, and in no way is the university
going to have a huge party once it is or isn’t destroyed.”


The new proposals by the university, which would ban alcohol
from the recruitment process, are being met almost unanimously with dislike,
especially since these proposals were made without the consent of the
Intrafraternity Council.


“Oh, the IFC is definitely 100% behind this,” said Apgar.
“In no way were they threatened with a fate similar to that of Greek life,”
adding, “which is, of course, NOT complete and utter annihilation.”