Central Campus’ only all-you can eat dining hall decided to
have its first official Mexican Wednesday this week. This proved to be a
terrible idea for Oakenshits because, well, if their chicken breast is the equivalent
of a double dose of laxatives, imagine what their burritos will do.
“Yesterday was honestly
the most horrifying thing I’ve ever witnessed in my 47 years of life – and I’ve
seen Rosie O’Donnell in a two piece” lunchlady Sue said. “Have you ever seen a
kid run with the runs? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A GIRL SHIT THROUGH A THONG?!”
In a queue that could only be compared to lines for midnight
showings of twilight, kids resorted to desperate measures while waiting for bathrooms.
“Ive never seen so much public pooping since I went to the zoo,” one girl said.
“One kid even tried to fit his shit into an empty soda can. Yeah.”
One victim, James, had a differing opinion on this whole
event. “You know those Water Jet Packs they have? Yeah, my diarrhea was like
that, except the toilet bowl was my lake and my excrement the propulsion.”
(heres the link in case anyone wants to know what this kid was talking about https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIK-RnG1p3w&feature=related)
Cornell has assembled an army of Janitors to tackle this
#2 problem in force. “I fully expect this to be a really shitty day,” said one of
the Janitors. “In other news, the greater Tompkins County area is sold out of
“Sweet Jesus, it’s everywhere,” another Janitor said. “I can
understand going in sinks, trashcans, and maybe even on the floor. But defecating
on a chalk board? Come on, man.”
This tragedy also hit home for the greek community. Delta
Chi’s anything but clothes mixer, needless to say, did not go well. Also, TEP’s
chocolate mixer has been postponed indefinitely.
Rumor has it that this was the only time Happy Dave has ever
been seen leaving Oakenshields with a frown.