Mahwah, NJ – By now, you are all fully acquainted with The Hunger Games due to the media forcing it down our throats like mothers with broccoli. We know, you “read the books and they’re sooo much better than the movie” – totally didn’t hear that about Twilight or Harry Potter, you hipster betch. For those of us who weren’t fortunate enough to read the books and were solely given a mysterious movie trailer with literally no plot, it’s been hard to decipher what exactly The Hunger Games are. So, I did a little research. I didn’t feel like using the Internet, so I just did some research in my brain. Ladies and gentlemen, the mysterious Hunger Games have been revealed!
The Hunger Games is a story about kids aged 18-22 who participate in a daily grueling, physically demanding battle with survival. Set in Mahwah, NJ, these kids spend every day fighting an internal battle with the toughest of questions: to starve, or to paycaf? While the answer is most always ‘to starve’, occasionally the answer lies in the toxic death-arena known as ‘the paycaf’. On this unfortunate occurrence, The Hunger Games commence. These ‘chosen’ students that opt out of starvation are punished by their society for doing so. They are force-fed lettuce with awful dressing, chicken nugget parmesan, baked lard, and human meat filets. After 3-7 cannibalistic bites, the real excitement begins in a relay race of sorts. The young adults engage in a full-fledged, every-man-for-himself race to the bathroom stalls. After the race, it is common to see these kids holding up three fingers in the air. They then take those fingers and stuff them down their throat to induce vomit.We interviewed the three main characters of the movie on their experience with The Hunger Games.
“I didn’t eat all week because I knew it was better that way. On Tuesday, I cracked. I could only stomach ¼ of an Italian sandwich. I became the rotten egg in the bathroom race in more than one way – it was humiliating. I shat all over the water fountain. I haven’t stopped pooping since. I don’t even understand how this much poop can come from such little ‘food’.” – Peter
“My little sister looks up to me and I…I just don’t want her to come here. I had gravel for breakfast yesterday. Around dinner time when I started spitting sand, I went to paycaf in search of a meal. All I found was chickpeas that broke in my hand, and chips. So. Many. Chips.” – Catpiss
“Look man, I can’t live on sandwiches for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I’m considering hunting. I’d honestly rather be in some sort of death match with 12-18 year old kids where I just murder all of them. If that’s how I can get out of eating one more sandwich, I’ll do it man! I’LL DO IT!!!” – Gail