MOVEMENT ONE: STEREOTYPES AT GAY SHUL
Like a kugel stained Jew at a Catholic Communion, I am no
stranger to being the minority. And while I enjoy seeing the paper wafers of
the other side, there is nothing like returning to a place where your minority
is the majority, a little bungalow I’d like to call shul. But I am a Purim smorgasburg
of minorities: if one couldn’t tell by my well-manicured scruff and assortment
of flavored condoms, I am a proud, tank-top wearing, homosexXxual man. Yet,
while I had long known the warm nuzzle of my Jewly themed synagogue, I had
never found the equivalent oasis for the raging fairy within. And then I came to Columbia, or as I
like to call it, GAY SHUL.
While statistics claim that 1 out of every 10 people are gay
or have gay-ish tendencies (which is something I can only assume means an unadulterated infatuation with the skinny jean) the Columbia statistics claim that 5 out of every 4
men like popsicles in and around their mouth. The only potential semi-carpet
munching men on campus are what I like to call the AWOS (pronounced AY-Woss)
meaning ASEXUAL WASTE OF SPACE. Ladies can’t do anything with them, I can’t do
anything with them, IF YOU AREN’T GOING TO BE SEXUALLY ACTIVE, YOU HAVE NO
PLACE AT COLLEGE. But I digress…
Some people say that all gays are the same. Yet, like the
Duane Reade (pronounced Dwahnay Rayahday) condom variety, we too come ribbed
and unribbed, thick and thin, magnum and Asian-sized. What’s most beautiful
about Gay Shul is that our minyan is a minivan that drives all types of homo:
basketball playing homo, I<3CHIPOLTLE homo, GLEE homo, glitter-marinated
homo, has-a-knack-for-Beyonce-choreo homo, bookish homo, post-modern IEAThurikamiFORLUNCH
homo, masculine homo, feminine homo, once-man-now-a-lady homo, once-a-lady-now-a-man
homo, multi-ethnic homo, Jake Gyllenhaal. But there are those who say that
among such variety, we should not sustain those fruity qualities that the gays
have been portrayed to have in the media. There are those who say that gay bois (with an i) who sing Defying Gravity around their room with bedazzled chaps
and Calvin Klein designer skimpies shan’t be tolerated if the rights of our
people are to move forward. But to these self-hating gays I say NAY! Nay to
your narrow-mindedness and your poorly manicured cuticles. As a Jew, do I shy
away from obscene amounts of matzo balls or an unhealthy bond with my mother?
NO! Jill and I are quite close and love to kick back with a shopping-spree and
chemically enhanced Fro-Yo and WE WOULDN’T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY.
So carry onward, my balls-loving brethren. Fight the good
fight! I like my burgers with swiss and glitter and I don’t care if who I am
propels a stereotype that sets my people back 2000 years. Maybe then I can LOL
with Jesus and ask him whether or not he approves of Bethlehemian man-to-man
bonage (and if Mary Maggy was really a tigress in the sack.)
HIS ANSWER TO BOTH QUESTIONS: yes.
