NORTH CAMPUS ““ Freshmen across Cornell University’s North
Campus were shocked and infuriated to find out that what they believed to be a
costume contest over the past couple of weeks was actually Student Assembly
“I just can’t believe this,” says freshmen student Katie
Gold. “Just a few nights ago I was walking home from a frat party, when I saw some
guy dressed as an elf wandering around Court Kay Bauer. After gathering around
him with all of my friends and muploading a picture, he asked if we would vote
for him. We said “Of course! That costume’s amazing!'”
In response to the students’ outrage, the Cornell
Administration has begun to make inquiries into how such a misconception could
possibly become so widespread.
“I was like, come on, are you serious?” asked freshmen Kent Gonzalez. “There were like THIRTY people to choose from on the
voting list. What kind of ridiculous election has 30 people running? Did Skorton
seriously expect us to take the time to get to know all 30 of them?!”
On the other hand, the elf guy who won the S.A. election (in
a landslide victory of over 500 votes), thought it was silly that students
did not understand what they were voting for.
“I told them myself exactly what I was campaigning for,”
says Peter Scelfo. “I was running on behalf of the elf minority here at
Cornell. I promised higher wages and shorter hours for the employees of Keebler
Cookies, as well as a merry Christmas for all. I never said anything about a
After things calmed down, freshmen Kent Gonzalez
released an additional statement to the Underground: “At the end of the day, I
guess it’s not so outrageous that we accidentally elected Scelfo to the Student
Assembly. I mean, in an election system as absurd as this one, he clearly had
the smartest strategy, and he definitely seems like a great guy.”
In a possibly related story, Republican Presidential
Candidate Newt Gingrich was reportedly seen parading around Washington D.C.
dressed as Santa Claus today.