Professor Robert Johnson, a nationally acclaimed nutrition expert, has devoted his entire career to solving the obesity epidemic. “I have spent years traveling all over the country and the world trying to figure out why people in America are so goddamn fat.”
After cross checking all of his references and eliminating all confounding variables, Johnson thinks he’s finally found the answer: eating a lot makes you fat.
This is a groundbreaking discovery that will push Johnson, who received his masters from the University of Chicago and his PhD from Harvard University, to the levels of other famous nutrition experts like Bethany Frankel from the Real Housewives of New York.
Other members of the field have tried to reproduce Johnson’s findings and have come to the same conclusion. Professor Murves, from the University of Miami, said “some Americans tend to eat the same amount of food that is usually fed to small elephants, which is bad because people are not elephants. Although sometimes its hard to tell… you know what I’m sayin?!”
We do know what you’re sayin’ Professor Murves. We do know what you’re sayin’.
