According to people walking outside of dormitories, houses
around Euclid Avenue and in broom closets of any academic building on campus,
Syracuse University students are having sex at a rate higher than ever before.

“Dudes are making sex to girls like all the time,” said
sophomore Gobi Jones. “I’ve been buying stock in Dilly Dallys and Hoo-Hoos for
a few months now. With the recession and everything, the stocks dipped a little
bit. But Bajingos are back and better than ever baby!”

The increase gave way to the university’s new nickname,

The nice weather is said to have played a huge role in the
increase of sexual activity. Instead of rain jackets or parkas, many women on
campus have been wearing lovely dresses that may or may not be of an exposing
nature. This in turn, creates a biological reaction in men (and in women who
are totally into that kind of thing) and augments the odds of secular
consummation.  After that, the rest
of the process can be explained by “the birds and the bees.”

The birds and the bees have yet to respond to this report
and tell us what the process exactly is.

The increase comes after a lull last year, one of the lowest
points in the past decades at SU. Data has yet to determine the main reason for
the lull, but indications point to one or both the parties prior to the sexual
encounter stating they were “tired” and “Watson Hall is a long walk.” Experts
are trying to figure out why someone would use the “I’m tired” excuse at the
prospect of sex.

These so called “sex-perts” (people who claim to get poonan
or smoke pole at least twice a week) say that text messaging has been crucial
in the spike in coital affair. There has been a 38% increase in women initiating
contact with men, the highest it has been since the invention of the telegraph.
Social standards permit men to initiate phone contact to achieve arousal,
commonly known as a “raging sextual phoner,” but it looks as if “biddies” are
breaking down that barrier. 

“I don’t think there are as many nippy ass bitches or shy
ass dickholsters slash knobjobs at Syracuse anymore,” said junior Stephanie Benjamin in the
most obscene way she could possibly think of. “People are just breaking people
off like Kit Kat bars. The one thing I hope is that they’re not boning with
hats off. Jimmy Caps baby, two for a dolla!”

This reporter is still trying to decipher what exactly Ms.
Benjamin said right there.

In a completely unrelated story, pregnancy and STDs at
Syracuse University are at an all time high as well. When questioned for a
response to that story, SU students texted back, “hmmmm idk, it’s a far walk
and i’m kinda tired.” Reports say there was a winky face emoticon at the end of
the message, so the potential of something happening is still alive.