Watson Hall Quad 407 is buzzing with excitement. Three of its residents are going home this weekend to celebrate an important religious holiday: Drew Collins is headed back for Easter. Ben Schwartz and Mark Allen for Passover. However, its fourth resident, Jack Turney, is going home for a more important reason. “I’m going home to get laid.”

Turney, who hails from Pittsburgh, laments that his fuck buddy from home has neglected his needs the past few school breaks. “Her name is Talia. She was my summer hook-up but she’s dropped the ball since winter break.”

Talia, a busty blonde who goes to Penn State, has been out of town over the winter and spring breaks. Turney discovered she was headed back to Pittsburgh this weekend while Facebook-chatting her with his pants off. He booked a bus ticket home 30 seconds later.

The residents of 407 have listed what they are most looking forward to this weekend:
Drew Collins: “Going on an Easter Egg Hunt with my little cousins.”
Ben Schwartz: “Pigging out on my mom’s famous matza ball soup.”
Mark Allen: “Hosting a seder with my whole family,
Jack Turney: “Getting off without having to do it myself.”

Collins, Schwartz, and Allen have asked Turney to stop bragging, but he refuses. None of 407’s inhabitants have seen a vagina in several months.

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