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Scoop Jardine: “Ooo yeah that’s hot!”
Unfinished business
Syracuse students are HAPPY
This is Syracuse University’s edition of Pharrell’s “Happy”! The happiest students and staff took a break from the “Finals Week blues” and joined the Happy Team as we spread happiness all over campus. Thank you to each and every one of you who happily danced to lift our peers’ spirits. You are loved. MORE »
Syracuse student claims to be Hannah Montana
Sophomore PR major, Hannah Melton, claims to be the real Hannah Montana after getting her wisdom teeth removed. Has the real Hannah Montana been walking among us at Syracuse? MORE »
Boeheim Shits on Podium After Georgetown Loss
Syracuse head coach Jim Boeheim walked to the postgame press conference podium after his reeling team’s 61-39 embarrassment at No. 5 Georgetown Saturday, undid his pants, dropped a steaming, rancid turd just below the microphone, and walked out. “You want an opening statement?” An irate Boeheim asked as he undid his belt. “Here’s my... MORE »
Pope resigns, realizes there is no God after hearing Pauly D will be playing at Syracuse University
Catholics around the world were shocked to hear that Pope Benedict XVI had resigned from his position as “THE CLOSEST PERSON TO GOD ON EARTH.” He tells sources at Campus Basement that the departure comes from fatigue, old age, and University Union’s Winter Carnival line-up. “They were hyping the students up, saying, ‘oh get ready,... MORE »
30 Rock and other shows insult Syracuse, must be destroyed
Tina Fey’s long running show, 30 Rock, will be airing its hour-long series finale tonight at 8/7 central on NBC. Let it be known that this was not Fey’s decision to end the show- it was the higher power of Syracuse University. Fey’s character, Liz Lemon, is the head writer of a variety show starring... MORE »
Phone Screenshots Officially Confirm Syracuse is Coldest Place Ever
Syracuse University students posted hundreds of smart phone screenshots of the city’s weather to social media in the past three days, officially confirming the city is “literally, like, THE coldest place ever.” The sheer number of screenshots showing temperatures that ranged from -65 degrees Celsius to 10 degrees Fahrenheit alarmed scientists, who quickly confirmed the... MORE »
The Differences Between Fall and Spring Semester
Welcome back to Syracuse everybody! You may be wondering what’s so different about this semester than the last, so we here at Campus Basement are proud to present our comparative guide to help you transition into the new semester. MORE »
Hockey’s Back! …and there was much rejoicing
I woke up today thinking it would be any regular Sunday: completely naked, my head laying over the side of my bed, desperately trying to avoid the sunrise shining through the pathetic excuse for curtains and onto my face. But then I saw the news, that glorious and long-awaited news, that the NHL lockout has... MORE »
Anorexic Sorority Girl Launches Into Stratosphere After Exiting Through Windy Double Doors of Carrier Dome
Move over Chicago, there’s a new “windy city” in town: Syracuse, New York. At least that’s what sisters at the Pi Pi Pi sorority house are saying. After Saturday’s basketball game at the Carrier Dome, Victoria Weems, a sophomore majoring in Blackberry Use and minoring in the sociology of pillow talk, exited the windy double... MORE »
Professor Moves Up Final Exam to Last Day of Class, Reaches “Baller Status”
And you thought your “douche” of a psychology professor should go “shove it.” “Yeah, I gotta say that before Professor Cox moved up the final exam to the last day of class, I thought he was a total asshat,” said fraternity brother Boner Jones. “I mean, I was getting D’s on his papers and tests... MORE »
Every Store on Marshall Street Will Be a Sandwich Shoppe By Year’s End, States Bold Predictor
A Syracuse University student with a keen eye for the obvious has boldly predicted that every store on Marshall Street will be a “sandwich shoppe” by year’s end. Ronald Carlson noticed that there was a new Jrecks Subs on the popular shopping avenue, replacing “whatever the hell used to be there.” Jrecks now joins Subway,... MORE »
Uh-Oh: The Only Person Who “Likes” Your Facebook Status Is The Weird Kid From High School
And you thought you were never gonna hear from him again. There is an epidemic going around on the popular social networking website Facebook, and it involves the unpopular nerds, geeks, losers, Trenchcoat Mafias, chess club members and men’s field hockey players of your high school: they are “liking” your Facebook status even though you... MORE »
Syracuse Basketball Rap
Over the past two Syracuse basketball season, many “hip-hoppin” raps about the team have surfaced and become quite popular. So I decided to throw my fitted hat in the ring in homage to the 2010-2011 team…and I think I failed quite miserably. Tupac is turning over in his urn as we speak. LYRICS Yo Jimmy... MORE »
Jersey Shore Costumes are a Definite Sign That the World Will End on 12/12/2012
It’s not exactly witnessing the Four Horsemen descend from a pitch-black sky with two moons, but it is pretty damn close. Saturday night, the night before Halloween that is colloquially known as “Devil’s Night,” took on a new connotation of the phrase after many Syracuse University students took to the streets as one of the... MORE »
Move Over Fantasy Football, Here’s Your Fantasy Beer Pong Draft Guide
Fantasy football, smantasy shmootball. With the NFL season just about halfway over, many fantasy footballers are out of their league’s playoff race and are looking for a new outlet. I’m here to tell you that Fantasy Beer Pong (FBP) is sweeping the nation more than Swiffer Wet Jet ever could. This is the new craze... MORE »
Did Grandma Really Steal Some of My Booze and Nudey Magazines Over Homecoming Weekend?
Grandmothers are the sweetest people on Earth: all those years of giving you hugs and cookies, all those years of a five dollar bill in a birthday card, all those years of pies on the window sills”¦and she never asked for anything in return. Until now. Grandma, or “grammy” is she is colloquially known, is... MORE »
Reason For Student’s Unexcused Absence Sounds A Lot Like The Plot For “Ferris Bueller’s Day Offâ€
After class was dismissed last Wednesday, John Clinton, a student of Professor Giovanni Luciano’s MAT 221 lecture, stayed to let Luciano know that he was not in class the past Monday because he was “gravely ill” and was in no way, shape or form “gallivanting with his friend Cameron in his 1961 cherry-red Ferrari GT... MORE »
Frat Party Ends Abruptly After DJ Plays Backstreet Boys Album All The Way Through
A social gathering at an undisclosed Syracuse University fraternity ended early Saturday night; brothers of the house cited the playing of the Backstreet Boys’ album “Millennium” as the chief reason to the end of the party. The playing of “Millennium” came after a plethora of contemporary radio “club bangaz,” including, but not limited to, “Like... MORE »
Sex At Syracuse University At An All Time High (Ow Owwwww!)
According to people walking outside of dormitories, houses around Euclid Avenue and in broom closets of any academic building on campus, Syracuse University students are having sex at a rate higher than ever before. “Dudes are making sex to girls like all the time,” said sophomore Gobi Jones. “I’ve been buying stock in Dilly Dallys... MORE »
Syracuse Football Defeats East Jabib University For The Blind 38-14
The Syracuse University football program took a step in the right direction Saturday night, defeating Division I-AA East Jabib University For The Blind 38-14 with an explosive offensive display in the Carrier Dome. The 2-1 Syracuse Orange struggled in the first half, but exerted its power on the 1-2 East Jabib University For The Blind... MORE »
Study Shows Students Pretending to Take Notes on Laptops “Totally Fool Professors”
A study conducted last week concluded that every single student using a laptop computer during Syracuse University lectures were not taking notes, but rather, were constantly refreshing their Facebook pages for notifications, updating their fantasy football team or checking TextsFromLastNight.com for messages pertinent to their social lives and to their sexual habits. The study also... MORE »
Students Buying Textbooks in Schine Bookstore Still in Long Ass Checkout Line
Sophomore Brian Carter had an hour in between two afternoon classes last Monday so he thought he would buy his textbooks to pass the time. Little did he know that 168 hours later he would still be waiting in line. “I thought the line for the Aerosmith Rock “n’ Rollercoaster at Disney World was long,”... MORE »
In an Astonishing Turn of Events, Freshmen Begin Verbally Assaulting Upperclassmen
The individuals that make up the 2014 batch of Syracuse University freshmen are apparently quick on their feet and unyielding with their tongues. Dozens of SU upperclassmen filed hazing reports to the Department of Campus Safety on Sunday, claiming that several fresh-faced Orangeboys and Orangeladies verbally accosted them as they walked by dorm rooms on... MORE »
Ernie Davis Arises From Dead, Immediately Becomes Uncomfortable With Things Named After Him
Two years after having the Carrier Dome football field and a state-of-the-art residence hall named in his honor, legendary Syracuse University running back Ernie Davis arose from the dead this week to have what he called a “look-see” at how his alma mater had changed since he graduated in 1962. Upon seeing the field, the... MORE »
BP Chairman Chosen to be 2011 Graduation Day Speaker, Dimon Protesters Mildy Upset
Two months after the initiation of the oil crisis in the American Gulf Coast, Syracuse University Chancellor Nancy Cantor announced Thursday that British Petroleum Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg will give the Commencement Speech at the school’s 2011 Graduation Ceremony. Chancellor Cantor has extended an offer to the BP Chairman, but is still trying to determine if... MORE »
Sorority Girl Articulates Arab-Israeli Conflict, Uses the Word “Like” 42 Times In Process
A Syracuse University student has been taken into custody by DPS and charged with “Shaggy Rogers in the Third Degree” for using the word “like” an overt number of times while explaining the Arab-Isreali Conflict during a discussion in a recent Political Science class. Sources say the student is female and is a sister in... MORE »
Davis Haines to interview Thomas Pynchon, Susan Boyle, Boogie Man in front of 1.2 jillion people
Everybody’s favorite human being is at it again. On the heels of singing the national anthem in front of 34,616 basketball fans, as well as interview comedian Andy Samberg in front of 1,500 students, Syracuse University sophomore Davis Haines has been asked to interview three of the world’s most amusing figures in front of a... MORE »