It’s 6:42 AM. Finals week. You’ve taken enough Adderall to cure yourself of that annoying sitting still habit you used to have. You haven’t slept in 39 hours. You haven’t had sex in 32 hours. You’ve watched so much porn to distract yourself from this 20-page paper that’s due in less than four hours that your doorknob is starting to turn you on. You start to make a move, “Hey, baby, is that a doorknob in your pocket?” And then it happens.
Your computer crashes.
Don’t panic. This happens. You aren’t the first person in history whose hard drive crashed during finals week. And luckily you were smart enough to email the paper to someone who can actually write when you realized, around page three, that you didn’t even know what class this paper was for. You can get to the paper! You’re paying $50,000 so that you can access a computer anywhere on campus FOR FREE! So stay calm, tell that slutty doorknob you’re gonna turn him good later and head to campus. Once you’re there, it’s a piece of cake.
1. Log in
2. Go buy a coffee.
3. Begin handwriting a note to Dell urging them to never supply another college campus with their piece of shit computers, or so help you god you will find them, shit on all their desks and beat every single one of them over the head with a dildo
4. Good, you’re logged in. Record time! Seven minutes!
5. Open Internet Explorer.
6. Open Internet Explorer.
7. Open Internet Explorer.
8. Why the hell isn’t it op”¦oh, there they all are.
9. Find your paper in Gmail. Download it.
10. WHERE IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DID THAT MOTHERFUCKER JUST SAVE TO?!
11. Locate the file in F:/data~syr17/8675309/miscellaneouscrap/allyourbasearemine/hidden/FinalPaper
12. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DON’T HAVE ACCESS, YOU KOALA-SUCKING TIT-KICKER?!
13. Go back to Gmail and preview your paper. Copy the text.
14. Open Microsoft Word.
15. Open Microsoft Word”¦”¦”¦
16. Sigh. There they all are. Paste.
17. WHY IS IT ALIGNED RIGHT?! WHY IS HALF OF IT 12-FONT AND THE OTHER HALF IN WING-DINGS?! WHY DOES IT START ON PAGE 13 AND END ON 2?! HOW OLD IS THIS VERSION OF MICROSOFT WORD?!
18. Ok, so the formatting needs a bit of tweaking. You can handle that. Tweak.
19. Ok, so maybe in 1983, tabs and spaces and delete had different spacing. Still, an essay that’s abstract in appearance is worse than”¦what are you doing?
20. Ok, you’re right, the monitor screen does look better smashed into thousands of tiny pieces.
21. Remove your cell phone from your pocket.
22. Call your friend who knows how to write.
23. Remove your wallet from your pocket.
24. Insert bills into your friend’s hand.
25. Now, what is that sexy doorknob up to?