Humans vs. Zombies needs to stop. I’m not upset that they are having fun playing a goofy game and I don’t hate the students participating. I am just concerned about their social well-being and I want to lend a helping hand.

According to a recent polling of the partakers in Human vs. Zombies, 86% of them have never had sexual intercourse. This is higher than the average 6th grade public school class. This has to change.

My plan to help these “pure” participants end their impressive streak of involuntary abstinence would be to phase out Humans vs. Zombies completely and replace it with one semester of a game called Virgins vs. Virgins.

Virgins vs. Virgins is a very simple game. The game isn’t over till everyone has lost their virginity. It might take the whole semester but the game will eventually ‘cum’ to a halt. Pun intended. This game solves three problems. First it helps the participants enter the sexual realm in a safe and non-judgemental way, so they could also enjoy the fruits of sexual intercourse that so many of us have enjoyed for years. Secondly, the sudden loss of immaculacy would end their desire to play anything resembling a game like Humans vs. Zombies. Lastly and more importantly, none of us would have to ever hear about Humans vs. Zombies ever again. This is a win, win for everyone involved and not involved.

The slogan for Virgins vs. Virgins will be, “In Virgins vs. Virgins the men always finish last, because they make the women come first.”

If you were offended by the content of the article, I don’t care.