Mere weeks after Penn State became a nationwide spectacle, another scandal emerged in the world of college athletics, this time involving the Syracuse Orange and their basketball team’s assistant coach Bernie Fine. According to reports, allegations were brought to the Syracuse Police Department as early as 2002 accusing Mr. Fine of molesting two former ball boys, yet the police did nothing.
“We had a lot going on at the time,” said Lieutenant Barry Phillips. “I remember specifically there was a college kid walking down Euclid with a beer, had to have been as young as twenty years old. Naturally, we had to call in backup, so we didn’t really have the man-power to look into something as trivial as an alleged child molestation.”
Sources say both former ball boys contacted SPD to inform them of the alleged molestations, but were told that, “nothing could be done” because “too much time had passed.”
“What we meant by that was, of course, that there was a Honda Civic that had been parked on Marshall Street for two hours and three minutes,” said officer Ray Tillman. “The sign clearly says “2-Hour Parking.’ Are we supposed to just ignore such blatant disregard of the law?”
In addition to the Case of the Illegal Parking and the Beer Walker, Syracuse police have been tied up in searching for a serial criminal since the mid-90s, known simply as “Hoodie Guy.” According to detectives within the SPD, a man between 5’8″ and 6’9″, weighing anywhere from 130 to 290 pounds, but “definitely black and wearing a hoodie” is responsible for thousands of crimes across Central New York dating back to 1992.
“Believe me, we’d love to pin Bernie Fine as Hoodie Guy,” said Commissioner Colin Zarkowsky. “But I’ve never seen him wearing a hoodie, and he’s white. He just doesn’t fit the profile.”
Added Zarkowsky, “Once we solve the Hoodie Guy case and stop students from ever consuming alcochol and make sure we’ve made at least $100,000 a day in parking ticket violation fees, then maybe we’ll look into this whole Bernie Fine thing. But until then, we’ve got priorities.”
