Actual: Office hours: 2 pm – 4 pm
Translation: There is not a chance in hell you’re going to come visit me. and if you actually DO need me, it’ll be the one day i’m not in.

Actual: Please do not use cellphones or laptops during class as they are a distraction to you and others around you.
Translation: I understand that by writing this, all of you are going to bring laptops and text each other during my class.

Actual: In this class we will explore the multi-faceted land that has been laid out for centuries by countless brilliant minds. we will delve head-first into the land of philosophy in order to discover ourselves.
Translation: Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit

Actual: We uphold high standards for your own work. Cases of plagiarism will be transferred to the Office of Academic Integrity.
Translation: I know you will try to copy-and-paste directly from Wikipedia. However, I want you to go through the trouble of changing every 5th word.

Actual: The mid term exam will consist of a ten-page (minimum) paper
Translation: (evil cackle)