Attention residents of nondescript off-campus housing apartment,
This letter is to alert you of the jackass neighbors you have who called
in a noise complaint last night. While you were playing endless series
of flip cup with those scantily-glad girls who were getting continually
closer to taking their clothes off, your
cocksucking neighbors decided to punish your Lil Jon-blasting party and
call the fuzz. Fuckers.
That’s right, your student peers called in the cops because they like
this city so much, they want you to help support it financially and pay a
fine for your raucous shindig. Because instead of drinking their
Friday evening away, they were having some “intellectual”
gathering at their boring-ass apartment. Yeah, that’s cool assholes.
Or maybe they want to make the claim that they aren’t students living in
the off-campus area, and in fact have families or some weird shit, and
think you need to respect the neighborhood. Y’know, the neighborhood
predominantly owned by college town development
corporations and landlords and rented by broke-ass students. That real
family-friendly neighborhood.
In accordance with bullshit logic noted on the ordinance, you must
relinquish approximately all of your profits earned from said noisy
party to the county. And any remaining alcohol. That’s ours too. Don’t
ask questions.
Sincerely,
Office of Noise Ordinance Scams
The office that encourages students to make one another pay fines to this city at no cost to us
