Halloween weekend is finally here, and I couldn’t possibly be any more excited than I normally am to dress up like a fool and solicit goodies from strangers.  But not everyone takes this sacred holiday seriously, so here are a few quick examples of costume ideas that you should probably steer clear of for this Halloween.


The Ghost Sheet with Holes for eyes.

Why it sucks:  Really? “Why?” you ask?  Could you have possibly put any less effort into anything that requires no effort to begin with?  Was K-Mart closed?  This outfit proudly exclaims to the entire party that your ability to dress yourself for arguably the most slutty holiday of the year, (Groundhog’s Day was a close second) involves throwing a sheet on your head and not even cutting air holes. It also says you have the imagination of a 5 year old for thinking that it was a good idea to leave the house wearing a 5 dollar Wal-Mart bed sheet.


How to make it AWESOME: Take the 5 dollars you were going to spend on a sheet at Wal-Mart and tape it to your naked body.  The guy who shows up naked to a party is still definitely having a better night than the goober in the bed sheet.


The Cat

Why it sucks: Speaking of no effort, ladies, I’m looking at you on this one.  We all know the deal with Halloween is to have the most intriguing and slutty costume at the party.  That being said, there is nothing sexy about 15 girls awkwardly huddled in a corner asking each other where they got their plastic cat ears.  Also, what about cats did anyone ever decide was sexy and why are we all still going along with it?  Allow me to shatter the façade with two words: FELINE AIDS.


How to make it AWESOME: Dress as a dog – this is the most important part, it has to be convincing – bark angrily at any partygoers dressed as cats, act excited to see every new face, be afraid of vacuums, and finish the night by peeing on a fire hydrant and eating a shoe.

Pictured: A perfectly executed costume of a dog.

The DiGiorno’s “It’s Not Delivery” Guy


Why it sucks: Firstly, we’re not mad at the guy, we’re mad at DiGiorno for thinking a tiny frozen misshapen hunk of semi-pizza could be confused for actual food, let alone a pizza.  The costume leaves something to be desired, but you can’t fault the guy for his ingenuity, only for bringing DiGiorno’s to a party and expecting to get in.  The people in the DiGiorno advertising department must not eat pizza too often – or like, ever – or else they’d realize that they should stop trying to sell it as a pizza and start calling these things “Deluxe Humongous Bagel Bites.”


How to make it AWESOME: Convince the entire party that delivery pizzas come from the frozen food section of your local 7-11.  If you can do that, you can do pretty much whatever the hell you want, except eat a piece of DiGiorno’s and not get 2nd degree burns on the roof of your mouth…you aren’t God…


The Homeless Guy

Why it sucks: So you don’t have a costume for the party that you overslept for, leaving you no time for a shower?  PERFECT!  Just throw on your oldest most ill-fitting clothes you can find.  Are you seeing the pattern to the problems with these costumes?  LACK OF EFFORT.  You know who wants to make out with a homeless person?  Have you ever seen anyone make out with a homeless person?  Good luck trying to convince any girls to come back to your cardboard box tonight.


How to make it AWESOME:  If you’re gonna do it, this one’s all or nothing.  Bring your own shopping cart and offer rides to the partygoers.  Once they get in your cart, take their can.  My suggestion, use the deposit FOR SOMETHING THAT ISN’T DRUGS, and contribute to the economy by getting a job, you filthy freeloader.


The “Too Cool for a Costume” Guy

Why it sucks:  Halloween celebrates the sacred tradition of All Hallows Eve, which commemorates the church’s decision to make “Slutty Nun” a publicly acceptable costume idea, or something like that.  Who the hell do you think you are?  “Halloween costumes are for kids…” Yeah, remember how good it felt to be a kid?  No rules, no responsibilities, no weird looks for eating 10 lb bags of candy in one sitting. Now throw that in a martini glass and mix in cheap vodka and loose morals.  Your lack of costume tells me that you’re about as much fun as a garbage bag full of an entire Encyclopedia Britannica set.  Remember those things?


How to make it AWESOME: Tell whoever is working the door that someone brought your costume and you need to change.  Quickly run to the bathroom, obtain as much toilet paper as you can, and make yourself a mummy as though you actually had a decent childhood.  Leave no skin uncovered with a velvety layer of 2-ply. Now, THE BEST PART, stand next to the toilet, with your arms extended, and don’t say a single word. YOU ARE A STATUE.  What’s that?  A bird’s gonna poop on your head? I hope someone cleans you off, because you aren’t moving.  The illusion has to be that the host decided, in a stroke of genius, to go all out on the decorations in the bathroom, of all places.  Wait for someone to use the toilet, and just as they reach for your bath-tissue covered body for some wiping material, look them directly in the eyes and say, “I’ll get it.”


If you know anyone with a terrible Halloween costume idea, be sure to publicly shame them in the comments section below.  Or just publicly shame them, either way, it’ll probably be funny…unless you’re not funny, in which case, don’t speak.