Apparently, water cups are the new gold. Only some have
them, everybody wants them””although you don’t need gold to live”¦so I guess
water cups are better.
Twelve students were found unconscious this afternoon in
Whispers and the Greater Olin Library area due to the new restrictive water-cup
policy on campus. Their bodies were resuscitated with direct hydration tactics.
However, the threat of dehydration-related illness spikes each day; with
students spending more and more time in the library, their desperation for some
good ol’ H2O grows.
When I asked the lovely ladies at Whispers for a water cup
to accommodate my not-so-moist peanut butter and jelly sandwich this afternoon,
their response was concise:
Other favorite dehydrating items at Whispers include diet
soda, coffee, tea, dry-ass scones, stale croissants, Goldfish and highly sweetened
juices by Minute Maid. This selection of dryness makes the lack of water cups
all the more dangerous and ironic.
When I asked a friend of mine how he coped with the lack of
agua, he explained his unique quenching technique:
“I’ve begun sucking on apples to get the juice out.”
Other techniques include purchasing small iced-coffees,
dumping them out, and reusing the tainted, potent-smelling cups with the
slow-flowing water fountain water. This is particularly useful if you don’t
mind getting up every 2 minutes for a refill. Also popular: offering–handful of sass–to “pay for the
damn cup. Is that what you want????”
The Midwestern plastic-drought (just kidding, I know it’s an
environmental thing guys!) has sparked a raunchy, controversial twitter trend
at WUSTL: #shitiddoforawatercup. See my twitter for examples.
More interviewees were sought, but hardly any could speak
because of severe throat parchedness.
Does anyone remember when they put those Dixie cups in
Whispers for water? SMH. Gimme some fucking water, dude.