1. A Photo Framed of Yourself: you know that you’re in a terrible relationship when you boyfriend gives you a framed picture of himself for Valentine’s Day. Yes, GQ rated us the doucheiest school in the country, but your boyfriend takes the cake. His graduation photo with the cap and gown…what are you his Aunt? This gift says, “I know how much you love me so here now you can look at me all times without having to see your face too” or “I make you look less attractive when you stand next to me, so here is just me”. You should end this relationship now because if you stay with this guy he will become a senator and send pictures of his “bagingo and friends” to everything 18 year old he finds on MySpace.
2. Homemade Coupon Packet: this gift is great for your mom or dad for their birthday or what not, but for your significant other it says: I was too busy writing papers, doing readings and studying to go out and buy you a real gift so I found this online printed it in Mann (bursar baby) and cut-it out. You know you deserve more than “one free massage from your man” or “a hug”. Also, it was original in 2002, but at this point it’s been done to death. I would rather you go to the Cornell store and buy me a mug with my graduation year on it.
3. Crest White-Strips: You may actually have wanted these, but this is not a gift to be given from a person that is having sex with you. If they kiss your mouth and then give you a sampler pack of crest white-strips it can only be viewed as insulting. Thank you boyfriend/girlfriend now I know you think my mouth looks like the beginning of an Orbitz commercial. Maybe instead you should have gotten me tickets to London with a card that says, “You’ll fit in better here”. 
4. Walmart Gift Card: Nothing says love like a gift card. “I know so little about you that I don’t know what you would want so here is a certain amount of money that I think sums up how much I love you”. And the worst part about this gift is you could’ve just walked across the parking lot to Wegman’s and gotten me a gift card from there  or even a cake…they have fancy cakes! But no, you got gas from Tops and stopped over in Walmart before heading back to Ctown. You’re the best.
5. Break-Up: There is nothing worse than being dumped on Valentine’s Day, but here at Cornell it is a common occurrence seeing as prelims at rapidly approaching. We have less and less time to give to anyone else besides for Professors and TAs. Soooooo “Happy Valentine’s Day, let’s go to Stellas, I’ll buy you a meal, charge it to City Bucks so I don’t waste my own money on you and then hope I don’t run into you on campus until finals week when I’ll try to hook up with you again because I’m cold and lonely.” Best. Day. Ever.