Both anime cosplayers and dubstep enthusiasts alike have grown tired of being relatively companionless, and reports are surfacing that members from both subcultures have converged to plan what they believe will be the greatest, most life-changing party ever.
The idea was the brainchild of Japanophile Chris Petersson, who Facebooked one entire acquaintance, Steven Clark, an aspiring and probably lousy dubstep DJ.
Unwilling to risk potential anxiety attacks from talking to those outside their respective subcultures, both Petersson and Clark scattered countless fliers advertising this spectacular gathering and spread them all over Francis Quadrangle, to ensure that it would be ruined for everyone.
“I know there are more like me at Mizzou,” Petersson said through an e-mail interview. “Those who want to guzzle sake without being judged, appreciate Japanese culture without being laughed at mercilessly, and those who dream of waifus and having friends.”
Clark agreed with Petersson.
“I feel the same way as Chris does, because So many people are finally gonna hear my music, my lyrics, and the more, the merrier,” Clark said in an Ecstasy-induced haze. “I can hear it now—it’ll be all like, womp womp and shit. It’ll be the happiest day of my life, hands down.”
“It’ll get pretty exclusive, though,” Petersson added. “No one can come if they can’t speak Japanese as well as me, don’t like Pocky, or if their cosplay is totally baka. Also, no fat or ugly chicks—they have to be really kawaii desu ne~! =^______^=”
Clark’s and Petersson’s confidence in the party’s success remains unshaken.
As their cronies’ presence could no longer be ignored, thanks to their respective shrieking in broken Japanese, too-loud Beats headphones, and a weight problem in two extremes, sociologists at the University of Missouri have explored this phenomena for themselves.
“Both groups do share common traits,” Professor of Sociology Kevin Oppenheimer said. “They exhibit a lack of showers, proneness to obsession with something most people don’t give a shit about, and too many drugs, whether it’s an MAOI or good ole Molly.”
“That said, no one is gonna show up to this thing, ‘cause none of them have—or have the goal of making—friends,” Oppenheimer added. “Have you ever even seen a dubstep junkie and a weeaboo ever last for more than ten minutes in the same room? Nobody has.”
Mizzou student Rachel Jensen, after being asked about this event, felt that the event wouldn’t attract anyone curious, or hobbyists of either persuasion.
“I mean, some anime and dubstep can be okay from time to time, I guess,” Jensen said. “Still, I’d rather not hang out with people who define their personalities by pointy hair or music that sounds like my dad did when he had a heart attack. Also, I dislike the smell of corn nuts and cheap cologne.”
The anime-dubstep conglomeration is expected to take place two weeks from Saturday, on February 2nd.
