Dating at Ramapo is the trickiest of trades. It’s the epicenter of sexual frustration. Most girls at Ramapo have considered going lesbian to avoid having to hook up with one more Ramabro, but we already discussed that in The Girls’ Guide to dating at Ramapo. Thus, it is only fair to emotionally scar the Ramababes as well. If you’re still thinking it might be possible to date at Ramapo, take a look at your options, big boys:

1. The Sorority Girl - There are just too many of these, can we at least agree on that? With this girl, half the battle is figuring out which sorority she belongs to. It may take you weeks to figure this out – there are no blatant signals from every single piece of clothing she wears. This girl could go one of two ways: the Smart(ish) Sorority Girl, or the Brain-dead Sorority Girl. The Smart Sorority Girl (SSG) is ambitious, wants to be president of the sorority one day, studies her toned/tanned butt off, and still gets terrifyingly drunk two nights per week. The Brain-Dead Sorority Girl (BDSG) is much more common in these waters. She travels in a pack, acts like she’s 8 years old with her betchy social skills, acts super confident, but will throw her crotch at any guy who’s nice to her. If you’re looking for a one-night stand and a curable STD, the BDSG is your gal. If you’re more of a steady, two-night stand kind of guy, go for the future president. Either way, prepare for unbearable loudness.

  • 10 years from now: She’ll be as mature as she should have been in college, working in a PR firm with fellow sisters, and still throwing her crotch at every husband candidate who’s nice to her.

2. The Barnacle - You know what they say: keep your friends close, and your men in a straightjacket, locked up, with a bomb strapped to his chest. This girl is adorable. This girl is way past a Stage 5 Clinger; she’s the barnacle on your wooden shore pier. Barnacles are not super trashy like most of the orange tabbies around here, but that doesn’t mean she can’t bring the Jersey. She’ll lure you in with her Victoria’s Secret aroma and her neon pink thong that’s sticking straight out of her asshole (it says “Bite Me”, obviously). She’ll pretend she’s not easy, but lord we know she is. Once you’re involved with this one, you’re in it until death do you part. She’s dangerously jealous, easily angered, and actually scary. She wasn’t unique enough to get any superlatives in high school, but if she did, it would’ve been Most Likely to Commit A Homicide Because My Boyfriend Texted That Skank Joanne. If you’ve got other women in your life, fear their lives. Hide your kids, hide your wife, cause she’s choking errybody out here.

Texts From Her:

  • “Who R U with? Is she prettier than me? Fuck you.”
  • “You’re in class with Mrs. Johnson again?! Fuck you.”
  • “The cops are on their way to your house. And I killed Joanne. Fuck you.”

3. The Asian - I’m not sure how many Asian girls there are on campus, however, it feels like there’s a lot because they all know each other. We all have that one token Asian, and when you go out, you find out that she’s friends with your friend’s token Asian friend! WHAT?! You should’ve known. She’s really smart, is a huge tease, and has obnoxiously good hair. The Asian looks smoking hot in her little black dress, gets trashed one night per week, and is way too flirty. She’ll have you questioning if she’s really that easy, or if she’s really that cruel. Guess what? You’re going home alone.  She grew up in a family with a strong heritage and thus, impeccable morals, you scumbag! Easy lay or morals? You can only choose one. She is your best option for a relationship, but be careful, she may just try to marry you immediately.

  • Her Playlist Includes: ”Sexual Healing” – Marvin Gaye, “Sensual Seduction” – Snoop Dogg, “Promiscuous” – Nelly Furtado, and “What Makes You Beautiful” – One Direction.

 4. The Independent Stoner - This girl is a wildly strange gem of a Ramalady. She’s not a partier, but she’ll invite you over to smoke pot and watch How The Universe Works on Netflix any time of the day. She’s into nature, is jacked, will spit on you for littering, and spends most of her time reading about birds on Wikipedia. She’s passionate, but can’t apply herself to anything because she’s too freakin’ high.  She could go for being single, but could also go for a relationship, it’s whatever you’re feeling. However, be careful getting handsy with this one, you might not be ready for her. While she may seem super relaxed and down for whatever, (which she is), she’s going to want to have sex with you in a tapestry fort stoner temple. Bring your Indian Pandora playlist, because she’s going to make sex really weird for you. Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha rockin’ everywhere!

Catch Phrases:

  • Compost, you nut-monkey!
  • Hippos are so…Wet.
  • If I could live in Malaysia, I would. I really would.
  • Actually, I’d love to start an Amazonian tribe and live without the burden of technology.
  • Actually, if I could just live as an Eagle, I think I’d do a much better job at being a bird than most birds do.

Dating can be scary, but it’s all about taking the risk. Take a deep breath, go to New York City, and find yourself a respectable woman. You won’t find love in this hopeless place.

P.S. I recommend the Asian.

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