In the heat of superhero blockbuster season, a real live one
has been recently discovered on campus. Early recorded sightings were separate
but all seemingly described the same student who seemed “like a regular dude,”
but does some pretty nonregular things.

Known only by his public moniker, “Steve” allegedly “always
puts in for beer. And ­cups!” an excited
eyewitness said when he spotted him a couple weekends in a row. “And I heard
that when he gets caught eating other people’s food out of the refrigerator, he
never pretends he was confused about it,” the eyewitness attests. “Like, never.“

For a hero with a skyrocketing reputation, his home address was
remarkably easy to find; “Steve” has nothing to hide. Though he wasn’t home ““
apparently in his summer school class he doesn’t ask to borrow notes but lends
them all the time ““ an interview with his roommates determined that his powers
extend to his home life. “He does his dishes pretty quick,” “you only have to
remind him once about utilities,” and “he totally still has Vicodin left over
from getting his wisdom teeth out” was among the praise sputtered almost incoherently
by the other gleeful members of the household.

Once he returned and humbly parted from his crowd of adoring
fans, he was quick to offer me a Coke and assume small-talk responsibilities. When
asked how he manages the burden of being a superhero and a student, he modestly
replies “I’m really just a normal guy,” but leans in and adds with a wink, “a
normal guy who pukes exclusively into the toilet.”

As with any superhuman do-gooder, rumors of possible
archnemeses exist ““ and are on the rise. Reports of “that guy who somehow never
accounts for tax or tip at big group dinners” and “the girl who always needs a
ride” are increasing, and civilians are encouraged to do everything they can
to funnel reports around the authorities and directly to Steve.

“I don’t expect
everyone to be able to do the things I can, but hopefully I’ve given everyone
someone to look up to,” Steve’s Facebook “About Me” reads. “And yes, I can spot
you for lunch.”