Hello! I live two blocks off campus, I’m not a student and I
call the LAPD about your noise more often than I talk to any actual people. You
may be thinking, “Aw, man! What gives?” and I’d like the chance to explain!

It may not be clear why I need weeknight quiet to my neighbors
whose morning demands allow for them to be hung over and/or sleeping, but trust
me, I do! Yes, even Thursdays, late-night noisiness is kind of impolite (as
you’d say – a dick move).

On the weekends, however, it may be less clear why your parties
get shut down on the square side of midnight. (I do want to say that parties
are great, I love them! I just think it’s best if they’re on Sunday afternoons
and no one talks.) I need quiet weekends because I have a hard time
explaining over the noise to my children what “sorostitutes” and “Jager bombs”
are. They already have a hard time believing that the solo cups around the
neighborhood are decoration and understanding why they can’t keep students who
pass out on our lawn; we just need some peace so we can communicate. (If anyone
is the owner of a white, brown-haired, 6′ business major, we’re trying to
figure out where he goes. My daughter named him Daisy.)

Of course, I was young once, too. My memories of ages 18-22
principally include talking softly, imagining what music sounds like, and
cooperating when asked to keep it down. But I do know, from experience, that
cheap alcohol, crowds, indiscriminate lovemaking and letting Todd know you’re
not giving him any more chances are all things that can be enjoyed silently.
(They all just take practice!) (And Allison, don’t put up with Todd’s games
anymore! My family is rooting for you!)

So I hope you understand more where I’m coming from, and will
consider not complaining about me right outside my windows. I would like to
peacefully coexist, I’d just like for you to do it silently! All the time! Otherwise I’ll keep
calling the cops.

Thanks, and ““ as you’d say – shut up!

Your neighbors

SEE MORE » , ,