A revolutionary survey sponsored by Students That Investigate
For Fun (STIFF) indicates a unique reality at USC: the entire student body is
in fact the age of 21 or older.
“We at STIFF wanted to know how so many people are legally allowed
to party because we thought it would just be fun to find out,” smiles Robby
Markowitz, senior and president of STIFF. “Our suspicion was correct: it was
really really fun.”
STIFF researchers used a meticulous combination of math,
science “and some paper” to stand outside of parties where alcohol was present
and ask students about their age. When asked about control groups or anonymity,
Markowitz chuckled comfortingly, saying “anonymity? When did science forget
about good old fashioned honesty?”
Armed with that philosophy, STIFF collected an overwhelming
amount of data. After days of analysis, the phenomenal conclusion was clear and
undeniable.
When questioned about the obvious preference for applicants 21
and up, USC Admissions emailed an
official statement that read “You caught us! J“
Interestingly enough, STIFF’s research also suggests that students
can actually be “more or less 21″ on any given day based on how they feel, with
Thursday nights being the most common time to feel “more.”
Ronda Grover, freshman, seemed confused when we asked her how
it felt to be 21 until we nodded at the beer in her hand. “Oh it’s great,” she
laughed, suddenly remembering her own age. “I am definitely 21! Always. Me. Yes.”
And
according to STIFF, Ronda is the opposite of alone. Looks like we can all
finally relax and have a good time. Cheers.
