Feelings is a sexually transmitted disease in the same vein as pregnancy – when wanted, it can be a beautiful thing. When unwanted, as is often the case during college years, it can ruin lives.

“My day to day is pretty manageable,” says Alex, a sophomore whose Feelings escalated to Hurt Feelings and to full-blown Crazy after she caught and didn’t treat them last year. “But most of my free time is taken up by Adele, Klondike bars and writing death threats to my former FWB.”

Many students feel they can fight Feelings or reassure themselves with thoughts like “it won’t happen to me” or “it won’t happen again” or “sleeping with someone new will help drown thoughts of the last dozen people I slept with and accidentally caught Feelings for” (as outlined in the Health Center’s brochure about the dangers of Feelings, available for free from the Center or any RA).

Men are most often carriers who do not show symptoms of Feelings, but the disease has been known to affect both genders. Though no-strings sex is often sought to keep focus on schoolwork and regular work, untreated accidental Feelings can result in death. (Of self-esteem or uncomplicated social lives.)

“It’s essential that all students, if they wish to enjoy Feelings-free sex lives, be vaccinated,” says one Health Center professional. “They don’t make condoms for the heart. So that’s why we made a vaccine.”