Hi, school.

We’ve been together
for over 16 years now. I know you’re in your 130s and that doesn’t seem like a
long time, but it’s 16/21 of my life and I don’t know why you’re doing this to

I guess I always knew the
graduating thing was coming. College is this cushy, insulated zoo exhibit, where
we’re like those pandas whose whole job is being lazy and looking cute and trying
to have sex. But after four years of that, this panda’s time is up. Fortunately
I’m fuzzy and adorable, but much more equipped to lay around and play Super
Smash Brothers than rent a real apartment and pay car insurance.*

I don’t want to live
in a world where it’s not cool to be hungover during the week, school. I have
so much left to do at you. I still am so terrible at beer pong. The real world
is big and I’ll need to pay student loans and put up with people who aren’t
18-24 year old students with similar tastes to mine. The world outside loves
Two and a Half Men, school!! Real life sees craft beers as a niche thing! I’ll
have to drive places! Everyone will live far away! I’ve had friendships die because
they moved to Gateway,school!
Gateway!! I’m going to cry into Hungry Man dinners every night as I fantasize
about everyone on ABC being my friend, everyone on FX being my boyfriend and
everyone on NBC being me (lovably quirky, intelligently silly and seen by nearly no one).

My love life is over. You
were my Woodstock, college. I don’t think there’s currently anywhere on earth where
it’s easier to hang out with large volumes of naked people. And if there is, it’s
probably been ruined by a yicky old weird guy already. My dating profile will
be less of an awkward hobby and more of an awkward necessity!**

If I do venture out to
meet people, I’ll be bankrupt after a year of clubs and bars, school. It’s like
seven dollars for a beer, minimum, and that makes like fifty bucks (with tip!)
for a six-pack and the opportunity to hang out with strangers in the vague
hopes we’ll collide in just the right way to be a part of each other’s lives! And
let alone human warmth and companionship, do you know how hard it is to find a job? Do you know how hard it is to get a

You know what,
school?? This isn’t over yet! It’s not over because I’m not emotionally
equipped for it to be over! I’m staying. I’ll sleep outside on campus. I’ll
stop complaining about EVK food and DPS, I’ll treat TAs and traffic laws with respect, I’ll stop admitting I’m hungover in the middle of the week, whatever you want.
I don’t know how to not be in school after literally a lifetime of doing only
that, and with college as the sweet, lax pinnacle of that education I see
little incentive to venture out to be a responsible grown-up panda, struggling
to feel important in a big pond.***

I hope you’re ready
for 16 more years of me, school. I am not leaving.

*Pandas pay
notoriously inflated premiums.

**Bad news for me,
good news for the persistent GoodWithHis_Hands028.

***Pandas are shitty

****Also, a shitty