It’s that day again, dear readers.  It is a day of enlightenment, for us all to share in new beliefs.  Today, gullible is written on the ceiling, genetically-engineered winged pigs have escaped their containment tanks, and HBO canceled Game of Thrones on a whim at 12:00 AM.  Really!

Anyone with half a brain can become the butt of appreciate an April Fools Joke, but USC students’ relative lack of belief in anything can make persuading Trojans a tough sell.  Case in point: last season’s football fans after fourth quarter.

With this in mind, I hereby propose the following lures for even the smartest crimson-and-goldfish.  Enjoy!

  • Due to budget cuts, EVK will never serve chicken nuggets.  Ever.
  • Facebook is rumored to be working on the next profile update after Timeline, which will secretly install a program that constantly takes a covert video feed from your laptop camera…even when Facebook is not running.
  • Pets will now be allowed on campus, including but not limited to puppies (Long Live Puppy Basement!), cats, chinchillas, pigeons, squirrels, fish, possums, freshmen, sea turtles, fire salamanders, flower lizards, and electric mice.
  • USC Wireless now has server blocks for Facebook, Twitter, and 9gag while students are in class.
  • Shuttle buses to L.A. Live will now run on Thursday and Sunday.
  • Alexander Ludwig is transferring to UCLA.
  • The Boba Truck will now drive around inside campus from 2 PM to 10 PM playing “Turkey in the Straw” (for those not in the know, the ice cream truck song).
  • Because of minor defects in gown quality, USC will refund all seniors for their graduation attire.
  • The SCA Coffee Bean will now offer a wide soup and sandwich selection for lunch and dinner customers.
  • Meanwhile, the Herman Ostrow School of Dentistry will open its own darn café.
  • Parking for USC students and alumni will now be free for students who test their metal and mettle in an annual demolition derby between the districts schools.
  • The administration will open a suggestion box for student complaints about red tape, aptly named bUreaucraSC.
  • USC’s plan to give Webb Tower over to freshmen will free New/North for special parent housing.
  • An official Apple Store will open in the basement of the USC Bookstore.
  • USC Basement will only write articles about shows on AMC.
SEE MORE » , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,