Despite my disdain for Valentine’s Day, I recognize that some people are desperately seeking companionship on Hallmark’s most successful day of the year. I am a girl who goes to USC, therefore I am
officially an expert on how every other female who attends this fine university
feels, thinks, and acts. (We can
ignore the fact that precisely zero males have effectively wooed me in
college).* If you’re still looking for a girl to hold your lonely hand (and
maybe more!) on February 14th, here’s a guide to wooing a Trojan girl.

have about 24 hours, so go get it!

1. Diddy Riese cookies

Nothing says undying
affection like venturing to Westwood for the sole purpose of buying cheap,
delicious cookies.

2. Helping her get out of Taper during rush

are few things more terrifying on our campus than trying to leave the main
doors of Taper during passing period. It reminds me of the stampede scene from The Lion King, but without the cool
African animals (and sans evil uncles/death, I guess).

This photo was probably taken while I was getting nearly trampled by 100 classmates.

3. Posting about her on Likealittle

know, I know, this is very Fall 2010. But there’s something super romantic
about writing a semi-stalkerish description of the girl you have a crush on.
Sure, the likelihood of her actually being an avid reader of Likealittle is
slim to none, but maybe you can Facebook message her a link? Low-key
stalkerdom: the way to any girl’s heart.

4. Pretend Yogurtland is as delicious as she
says it is

all for going into Yogurtland and filling a couple sample cups with Red Velvet
or Raspberry-Pomegranate. Once a month, a $2.50 cup full is fine. But girls at
our school looooooooooove Yogurtland! Maybe YOU should also looooooooooove
Yogurtland (for today at least) and say “ugh, I just caaaaaaaaan’t decide” at
least ten times before settling on a Coconut and Taro combination. “Oh my god,
I looooooooooove Yogurtland too!” I don’t know though. She just might be a
21 Choices girl
. (Or Tutti Fruitti if she’s a true hipster).

5. Chase down a “bike thief”

may or not require a bit of planning a-la Cady’s attempts to uncover the Regina
George/Shane Oman
scenario in Mean Girls. Enlist one of your bros (or
one of my trustworthy
) to fake-steal a girl’s
bike. If you’re thinking long-term, relationship this is probably a terrible
idea. But if you just want to have dinner at the Lab on Valentine’s Day (yeah,
go you! Pretend to be thoughtful!) instead of eating alone at EVK/your
apartment (I would say Parkside, but no one goes there alone), perhaps you can
make this scenario happen. There are few things dreamier than a man chasing a
pink bike down Trousdale.


6. Utilize Tommy Cam

once saw a man propose to his girlfriend (at least I’m assuming they were
dating?) via Tommy
. You have a 24/7 security camera (which I am fully convinced is
exclusively for anxious freshmen parents, genuine stalkers, and a cool tour
guide moment) at your full disposal. Make her download the Tommy Cam app (yes,
that is a thing) or just tell her to look on the website. Put ten minutes of effort into a homemade sign and I guarantee you at least have a first date.**


7. Rose Garden

According to the Jimmy
Wales, the man I trust most on the Internets
, the Rose Garden has more than
20,000 rose bushes and 200 varieties of roses. They probably won’t miss a dozen
or so”¦

*See: none have really tried either, so my point is irrelevant.

**I do not actually guarantee this because I do not know you.