The federal government declared a Communications major west of campus an
official disaster area on Thursday, following weeks of destructive behavior and
dangerous top speeds of around six shots/hour.

In typical fashion, FEMA was slow to respond and residents
in her vicinity suffered for it. After two freshman fraternity pledges were
evacuated from the area, her perimeter was secured so she could be put on
lockdown and tested for biohazards. Blankets and emergency kits have been
distributed to the freshmen and the disaster area’s shaken roommates.

“You don’t think this is serious?” says the junior who
initially reported the catastrophe. “Have you seen the microwave? Or our
bathroom counter? Or that sophomore she had over last week??”

“I don’t think any of them will ever be the same,” agrees
her other roommate.

I was able, from the protection of a biohazard suit and a
fire extinguisher I was handed, to enter the secured perimeter and ask the area
herself a few questions.

“People love me or hate me. Whatever, not my problem,” she
kept repeating, crying. “They just can’t handle me. I have a big personality. Don’t
I look like Kesha in this outfit? Do you have any chaser?” I was overwhelmed by
a swarm of vodka, glitter, and tears ““ I simultaneously gained a new
appreciation for the situation’s gravity and sprayed her with everything in the
fire extinguisher.

The local community still waits on a final decision about
whether first responders will be able to help the situation or if the area will
be permanently condemned. It’s young enough to recover, but some have their
doubts about whether it will. The situation isn’t expected to permanently affect traffic or living conditions outside of the young woman’s immediate vicinity – but she could.

“It’s sad when things like this happen to good people,” the
leading officer on the scene said, of the roommates. “But it’s heartwarming the
way the community has banded together in response.”

Contact your local Red Cross to donate to aid for survivors
and rebuilding efforts.