Leonard Zagat, a local homeless man, recently
awarded a five-star review to a bacon-wrapped hot dog sold by a local street vendor on Saturday’s game day.

The food enthusiast, who sleeps under the Vermont Ave. I-10 on-ramp, said it was “the best godderned piece of shit I’ve licked all week.”

Zagat’s review came shortly after junior Candice Olsen, a Kappa Kappa Gamma sister, discarded
the latter two-thirds of her affectionately dubbed “ghetto dog” into the gutter after only two bites on her way to the Coliseum. Olsen was last heard saying, “This is fucking gross,” before the incident, and, “Eww.”

That’s where Zagat entered.

“I reckoned the Temperance Fairy was r’wardin’ [sic] me for my godly ways,” said Zagat of the hot dog, which reached his cardboard box by floating downhill on passing gutter sewage.

The functional schizophrenic, who is typically accustomed to sustaining himself off
of the complex salts and gravel he licks off trash bags and tire treads, welcomed the dog with open toothless gums.

“The Shadow People asked for a bite, but I told them they weren’t getting anything ’til they return my gold nuggets to my pillowcase,” Zagat added.

Spokespeople from the official Zagat Survey declined when asked to make comment.